--- title: Project U. Blog | Martha Beck description: Martha Beck | Tips and insights for managing your career and your wellness --- Call me at 781-690-2277 [![The Projectcoach](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/hs-fs/file-13948886-png/images/header_4_920x150.png)](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/) # Project U. Blog ## [Character Flaw? Think Again.](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/bid/87925/Character-Flaw-Think-Again) Posted by [Catherine Saar](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/author/catherine-saar) on Sat, Nov 16, 2013 @ 08:19 AM - [Tweet](https://twitter.com/share) If I had a dime for every self-deprecating thought that passed through my head in this![describe the image](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/hs-fs/file-13948875-jpg/images/foggy_brain.jpg?width=155&height=217&name=foggy_brain.jpg) lifetime, I would be rich beyond my wildest dreams. And my hunch is that many of you would be too.  How many times did I think I was wrong, unlovable, dumb, lacking talent, and just not good enough? What’s up with that?  Sure we make mistakes and we’re not perfect.  But who is?  In fact, for the most part, we are good, decent people who wish to contribute to each other in meaningful ways. So why are we so capable at beating ourselves up with negative talk? Having spent much of my life seeking equanimity, I found this simple truth: There is nothing “defective” or “flawed” about me  - or you!   Rather, we are addicted to “stinking thinking!” Over the years, we’ve developed negative thinking patterns that inform our feelings, which in turn, motivate much of our behavior.   This is usually how it goes: thoughts lead to feelings, feelings lead to behaviors and behaviors lead to consequences.   Consequences typically reinforce the thoughts that lead to feelings. And the cycle begins again. We didn’t get here alone.  We’ve had lots of help forming negative thoughts. Parents, family, media, and even teachers were among the many misinformed who helped us to develop ideas like “I’m not good enough” or “I should be different than who I was born to be.”   Of course blaming others doesn’t solve anything, nor does passively awaiting rescue while we lick our wounds.  What does help? Mindful awareness and curiosity.  Can you stop judging yourself and wonder instead, “Why am I thinking this way?  What do I really want?” In short, the key is *awareness* and *shifting perspective*.  Next time you *notice a negative thought*, can you *question its validity *and then *reframe it? * Generally, if you dig around, you will uncover a positive or protective desire underneath the feelings that lead to your behaviors. Once you know that, you can strategize how to better meet your needs.  Here are a few examples: - When you think you didn’t do enough, maybe it’s because you truly have a desire to contribute and want reassurance that you are contributing sufficiently.  How might you get that reassurance in a more productive way, rather than berating yourself?  - When you decide to react negatively to your partner, are you feeling scared that he or she doesn’t love you or understand you?  Is it possible that you want to protect yourself and that when you said the wrong thing; maybe you just wanted to be heard or seen for who you really are?  Could you have had that discussion in a different way without blaming him or her or yourself? Translated, can you appreciate and acknowledge the good in you?  Know that it is there.  Most of us are just trying to do our best, as tender, vulnerable human beings.  We are afraid of being hurt, or hurting others, of not being or doing enough, or maybe doing or being too much. Very few of us wake up and think “I want to do a crappy job today”, or “I want to act like a jerk.”  Can you begin to tease out the positive longings behind your negative feelings and behaviors? Can you name them with honesty and kindness for yourself and others?  And maybe handle situations that arise in a more life affirming and productive way? I can’t say that you can change this overnight, but just becoming aware of the possibility can start you on a path to joyful change.  There are also lots of resources for healing and personal growth, including mindfulness practices, nonviolent communication, coaching and a host of therapeutic techniques.  As you embark on this process, you can begin to alter neural pathways – and that means that behavior change can become progressively easier. I wish you much joy, peace, and success!  Here are some resources for you to explore on your journey to self-acceptance and self-realization: [Finding Your Own North Star](http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Your-Own-North-Star/dp/0812932188), by Martha Beck [Nonviolent Communication](http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034) by Marshall Rosenberg [What Happy People Know](http://www.amazon.com/What-Happy-People-Know-Happiness/dp/0312321597) by Dan Baker   [The Work of Byron Katie](http://www.thework.com/index.php) [Mediate Your Life](http://www.mediateyourlife.com)     0 Comments [Click here to read/write comments](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/bid/87925/Character-Flaw-Think-Again#comments-listing) Tags: [nonviolent communication](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/nonviolent-communication), [coaching](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/coaching), [contribute](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/contribute), [kindness](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/kindness), [character flaw](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/character-flaw), [judging](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/judging), [behavior change](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/behavior-change), [What Happy People Know](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/what-happy-people-know), [self-realization](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/self-realization), [curiosity](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/curiosity), [Martha Beck](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/martha-beck), [beating ourselves up](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/beating-ourselves-up), [equanimity](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/equanimity), [The Work of Byron Katie](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/the-work-of-byron-katie), [Mediate Your Life](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/mediate-your-life), [mindful](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/mindful), [productive](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/productive), [unlovable](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/unlovable), [not good enough](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/not-good-enough), [negative thoughts](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/negative-thoughts), [self acceptance](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/self-acceptance) ## [Five Paths Back to Your Authentic Self](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/bid/72989/Five-Paths-Back-to-Your-Authentic-Self) Posted by [Catherine Saar](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/author/catherine-saar) on Thu, Mar 08, 2012 @ 11:01 AM - [Tweet](https://twitter.com/share) ![homepageiStock 000011612569Smallbutterfly](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/hs-fs/file-13948928-jpg/images/homepageistock_000011612569smallbutterfly.jpg?width=205&height=122&name=homepageistock_000011612569smallbutterfly.jpg)Have you ever noticed that when you are doing what you love, you feel peaceful, clear and alive? You feel like you have energy to go on for hours without tiring and you can’t wait to do it again.  In these moments, you are aligned in body, spirit and mind.  All is well with the world. On the other hand, when you’re not excited about getting out of bed in the morning or you find yourself exhausted all the time, check in.   If nothing seems good enough, is it because you are spending all your energy keeping up appearances to fit into other’s expectations?  Are you possibly living by your own faulty assumptions and expectations about what your life “should be”? Listen for the whisper of your authentic self.  When you engage in activities that please your parent(s), your lover or someone other than you, chances are, you are not honoring your truth.    The funny thing about that is that your truth won’t leave you alone.  It pushes on you, often in some subconscious way, creating stress and fogginess.  Sometimes you may even create bad habits like overeating or engaging in substance abuse to better ignore that small voice nagging at you, trying to tell you,  ‘something is not right here.’ We are often afraid to hear what our inner voice has to say.  There may be guilt, anger, conflict and ultimately, a need to take corrective action if we are courageous enough to allow ourselves to pay attention. But that voice is your friend.  It is the voice that wants you to experience the joy of aligning to your life purpose.  Like a good friend, it will keep nagging you to do the right thing for you.   I won’t kid you.  If you’re not in the habit of honoring your authentic self, it can be a challenging journey to acknowledge who you are.  You may disappoint some people in your life.  You may leave some others behind.  You may need to start a new career.  It can be scary – BUT, the place it will lead you - back to yourself - will be incredibly meaningful and empowering.    If you aren’t sure where or how to start to listen to your inner voice, here are some of my favorite resources and ideas to get you started: 1) **Start a mindfulness or a meditation practice of your choice**.  Any mindfulness practice will put you back in touch with yourself.  There are tons of resources online – and practices come in many flavors.  Explore and experiment.  2) **Create space and time in your life to do more of the things you love. ** Take 30 minutes a day (or more) to do something for you. 3) **Find a book to guide you.**  Here are some of my favorites:   - [**The Joy Diet**](http://www.amazon.com/The-Joy-Diet-Practices-Happier/dp/0609609904/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331224039&sr=8-1http://), Martha Beck – A 10-step process to bring more joy to your life in every way - [ **I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was**](http://www.amazon.com/Could-Anything-Only-Knew-What/dp/0440505003/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1331221250&sr=1-1-spell), Barbara Sher – My favorite resource for finding your career passion - [**The Artist’s Way**](http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_10?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+artists+way&sprefix=the+artist%2Cstripbooks%2C140), Julia Cameron – A classic primer for artists and anyone interested in accessing more creativity in their life 4) **Work with a coach**.  Individual or group coaching can be useful if you want a partner to help support and guide you toward clarity about your authentic path.  ([More on this](http://www.7layerliving.com/2010/01/06/you-choose-your-life-everyday-so-choose-well/)) 5) **Work with a therapist.**  Therapy may be extremely beneficial for certain situations.  If you have experienced trauma, or face serious emotional issues or medical conditions, including anxiety and depression, working with a psychotherapist may be an important first step to finding your way. Once you find your personal truth and accept who you are and what you value as being good and worthwhile, you can begin to make choices that lead you to more joy.  Take a breath and listen.  Know that you are worth it. **Interested in a complimentary 30-minute coaching consultation**?  Call me at 781-237-3420 or send me an e-mail at [cat@theprojectcoach.com](mailto:cat@theprojectcoach.com)  to find out how you can clarify your goals and make your dreams come true. 0 Comments [Click here to read/write comments](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/bid/72989/Five-Paths-Back-to-Your-Authentic-Self#comments-listing) Tags: [coaching](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/coaching), [clarity](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/clarity), [conflict](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/conflict), [peaceful](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/peaceful), [spirit](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/spirit), [expectations](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/expectations), [your truth](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/your-truth), [substance abuse](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/substance-abuse), [guilt](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/guilt), [courageous](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/courageous), [empowering](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/empowering), [explore](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/explore), [Martha Beck](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/martha-beck), [Barbara Sher](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/barbara-sher), [body](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/body), [doing what you love](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/doing-what-you-love), [clear](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/clear), [aligned](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/aligned), [mind](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/mind), [keeping up appearances](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/keeping-up-appearances), [authentic self](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/authentic-self), [overeating](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/overeating), [afraid](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/afraid), [meditation](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/meditation), [things you love](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/things-you-love), [The Artist's Way](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/the-artists-way), [Julia Cameron](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/julia-cameron), [choices](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/choices), [make your dreams come true](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/make-your-dreams-come-true), [inner voice](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/inner-voice), [coach](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/coach), [goals](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/goals), [energy](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/energy), [exhausted](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/exhausted), [stress](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/stress), [bad habits](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/bad-habits), [anger](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/anger), [life purpose](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/life-purpose), [new career](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/new-career), [meaningful](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/meaningful), [mindfulness](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/mindfulness), [experiment](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/experiment), [The Joy Diet](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/the-joy-diet), [I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/i-could-do-anything-if-i-only-knew-what-it-was), [trauma](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/trauma), [emotional issues](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/emotional-issues), [complimentary coaching session](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/complimentary-coaching-session), [passion](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/passion), [creativity](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/creativity), [therapy](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/therapy), [breath](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/breath), [worth](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/topic/worth) [All Posts](https://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/all) ### Subscribe via E-mail ### Latest Posts ### Follow Me ### Posts by Month - 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