Project U. Blog

“If you were sure you would succeed, what would you do in your life?”  is a question that almost always provokes a very clear and meaningful answer from coaching clients who say they feel stuck and they aren’t sure what they want.

This no longer surprises me.  Somehow, taking the possibility of failure out of the equation frees us to dream and to dream big.  It happens time and time again, because in short, most of us are afraid to fail.  It is astonishing how a four-letter word can wield so much power over our lives.

Perhaps it is a stigma that we start learning in grade school that comes with the fear of failing to pass a subject or a test.  These early encounters teach us the habit of imprisoning ourselves with terror and shame should we be called out for failing.  I prefer to frame the word according to actor Gary Bussey’s definition: “You know what 'FAILING' stands for? It stands for 'Finding An Important Lesson, Inviting Needed Growth.”  

When I think about what it means to fail, I think Bussey is right.  Isn’t trying and failing and then trying again how we learn our most basic and meaningful lessons, like walking, talking and riding a bike?

Certainly, when we are learning a new sport and we make mistakes, we don’t consider ourselves to be failures. We expect that we will keep working and honing our skills – or we may decide that we don’t have any skill in a particular sport or a subject and we will try something else.  Its’ all a learning process that we readily accept – and yet, when the stakes get higher, like when we are pursuing a lifelong dream, so often the dread and anxiety of failure keeps us from moving forward.

So when we conceive of the word “failure” as a shameful label it seems to assume that we only get a limited number of tries at something or that there is only one acceptable solution.  It gives us no credit for learning and for gaining valuable experience over time. 

To that end, can we reframe how we use the word “fail”?  What would it be like to strike the word from our vocabulary?  Imagine if our report cards could say, “incomplete knowledge “when we don’t pass a subject or a test.  Or, maybe they could say, “more progress required for completion. “

For me that approach feels more motivating.  Suddenly, “I’m no good at math,” becomes – “Maybe I can go back and explore that subject in a different way.” The language shift offers us an invitation to continue to pursue, rather than shaming us into hiding and hopelessness.

And I also realize that you may be one of those folks who openly embrace failure.   That is awesome! Perhaps you can be a role model for the rest of us.  According to Inventor Thomas Edison, “Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

My hope is that you won’t be one of the people that Edison is talking about.  Keep the faith.  Giving-up is how we fail. 

As a coach, I often hear, “I want to find my passion.” While some of us clearly know what we are called to do, others of us don’t.  If you are a passion seeker, here’s a clue: Drop the struggle.  Anxiety about passion won’t help you discover it faster.  For most of us, passion does not arrive as an instantaneous inspiration, but rather, it emerges as we learn who we are. 

So instead of obsessing about finding your passion, can you get passionate about exploration?  What’s happening for you now?   If your job is boring, how might you change it?  If you are burnt-out, how might you take better care of yourself?  Figure out what is stopping you.    Know it, taste it, improve it, if needed.  Try new things; be surprised by what you enjoy.  Is it possible to stop focusing on how you want things to be, and start accepting, (or even being in love with) what you are doing right now?   

For me, it’s been like putting together a jigsaw puzzle where I’ve gathered up the pieces over the course of a 35-year treasure hunt.  While part of me wishes I could have known my path sooner, it would not have been possible.  It’s only recently that I’ve gathered up enough puzzle pieces (skills and awareness) to identify the picture that has emerged.

Here are some interesting questions to help you start to consider your life’s path. How many of these can you answer?

• What do you love?

• What are your skills and gifts?

• What do you care about deeply? What moves you to tears? What issues get you angry, absorb you or bring you joy?

• What would you do for work even if you weren’t paid to do it?

• What is essential to your happiness?

• What do you really need?

• How would you describe your essential self?  Are you a problem solver, a poet, an adventurer, a maker, a storyteller, a teacher, a peacemaker, a hermit?  (Tip: Observe your patterns of behavior to get to the answer to this – rather than trying to label yourself with what you would like your essential self to be!)

Your answers to these questions are a clue to your level of self-awareness. For any that you can’t answer, get curious. Can you take a class, try a workshop, enter a contest – or work as a volunteer?  Remember that if something you try doesn’t bring you joy, (or doesn’t fit well with your skills and gifts), you can move on.

Pay attention if any of these questions awaken your inner critic. What conflicts hold you back from doing what you love?  One common issue is money. For example, if you want to be an artist, and you believe you need to earn a six-figure income to keep you afloat, ask yourself, is that absolutely true?  If you are willing to look at what you really need and want, you may find that there are a million possible creative solutions to your dilemma. Could you pursue art as a secondary money making venture?  Can you change your living situation and/or your budget so you can feed your passion until you can earn those six figures? You get the idea. Getting clear on needs and desires allows you to create many choices that can lead you to your right path.

You may also need to get clear on limiting beliefs.  Perhaps you think that following your passion is selfish and that being selfish is bad.  Is that really true?  Explore the assumptions and self-judgments that stop you from realizing your full potential and joy. If this is new to you, check out some of the many available resources, including coaching programs and books like “Loving What Is”, by Byron Katie and “I Could Do Anything if I Only Knew What  It Was” by Barbara Sher.

In short, getting on a path, any path, will take you somewhere.  And somewhere is better than being stuck sitting around lamenting that you don’t know what you want.  Don’t wait for the perfect answer to find you.  Instead, follow your light, follow your bliss.  If an idea sparkles for you, give it a go.  Have faith.  Your life will take care of itself.

Feeling anxious?  One of my favorite authors, Seth Godin wrote this in a blog post:

“Perhaps your anxiety is specific to artists or musicians or to anyone who has to stand up and stand out and stand for something.

It turns out that your anxiety isn't specific at all. Perhaps it is due to the fact that you're trying to control things that you can't possibly control.

Your anxiety might merely be a sign that you care deeply about your work.

Anxiety is almost never a useful emotion to carry around. Even for magicians.

Now that you've been reminded that you care, it pays to let the anxiety go. Good riddance.”

I agree with Godin: anxiety is not useful and it’s good to let it go – but how?  How do you do it?  Three steps that work for me are mindful breathing, gathering information and taking action.  Here’s more:

BREATHE DEEPLY.   Number one, take a deep breath.  Literally.  Breathing deeply is an almost instant pathway to calm.  Simply stop what you are doing and breathe in and out through your nose for 30 seconds to a minute.  Make the length of your inhales equal to the length of your exhales and try to make each one last at least four seconds.

GATHER INFORMATION. Next, take stock of the source of your anxiety.   Get clear about what is troubling you.  Ask yourself to explore the thoughts behind the feeling.  You may need professional help to do that – a coach, a therapist, or perhaps not.  Sometimes a wise, trustworthy friend, a session of journaling, or a favorite inspirational book will do the trick.

TAKE ACTION. Once you understand specifically what’s troubling you, what can you do about it?  You may just need a new perspective.  As Godin mentions, are there things that you have no control over, like how people react or think about you that you can accept? Are you able to make your best effort and leave the results to providence? 

On the other hand, if the source of your anxiety is overwhelm or lack of information - it’s usually helpful to take even one small step to overcome it.  Make a phone call, develop a plan, write in a journal or just decide its okay not to decide about something troubling you.

In short, decide to make a small step, whatever it is (as long as it’s not unhealthy) that will let a little pressure out of the overfilled anxiety balloon in your belly.  

Now, take another set of long inhales and exhales… and sit quietly for a few moments. Start to let your anxiety go – and to quote Godin, “Good riddance.”