Project U. Blog

As a career and wellness coach, I talk to clients all the time who want to feel happier and more successful in their lives.  Maybe they have to pick a college, a job, or decide whether to stay in a relationship.   Most of the time, they start from the outside and try to force fit themselves into something they aren’t good at or they don’t enjoy. They do it for the money, or to please mom or dad or to avoid being weird.  Often, they choose organizations that aren’t supportive of them, or surround themselves with people that don’t or can’t appreciate them for who they are.   If any of this sounds familiar, (about you or someone you know) then here are five suggestions to consider:

1) Know who you are.

Get clarity about what you are good at, and also about what do you love to do. Consider all your skills and love.  None of them are too small or too insignificant to count. Figure out if, or where those characteristics overlap.  Maybe they don’t. On the other hand, how might you include both in your life?  Could you put them together in a new and different way to invent something unusual? For example, maybe you are a skilled accountant and love listening to music, could you become an accountant for a radio station, a band or a performing arts organization?

2) Embrace and enhance your talents.

Once you know what you are good at, realize that it is not an accident. You are a unique expression of creativity in the universe. You have gifts.  You have a style. Go with it.  If you are a writer, write.  A great caregiver? Give care. A maker? Make. A teacher? Teach.  A good listener?  Listen.  Don’t fight it – appreciate it.  Whatever you have to offer, I assure you, it is worthwhile. And, like a garden, if you tend to it, it will blossom into something beautiful that will bring joy to you and to others.

3) Invest Yourself in opportunities (and people) that fit with your special and unique gifts.

Success is all about “fit.”  Find jobs, causes, people and/or organizations that will benefit from your skills and gifts.  Seek to spend time with people and causes that you believe in. Go to them and offer your gifts.  Develop your talents; hone them and make them grow.  Even if what you choose is not your primary money making endeavor, invest time and energy because it will feed your soul.  Wherever possible, surround yourself with people who appreciate you. Find a tribe. Even a single supportive friend or a pet can be enough companionship to give you the courage to align your life with your spirit.  Commit to spending way less time with people who don’t encourage and support you.

4) Accept that learning is continuous.

Just because you are following your heart and taking care of yourself, doesn’t mean that everything will go smoothly.  This is life.  Things go wrong; circumstances change.  Maybe you thought you really wanted to organize projects – so you took a desk job - and then found out that you are miserable unless you are doing lots of physical activity.  It’s okay!  It’s just new information. Go back to step one and two and then back to step three.  Get creative. Don’t beat yourself up.  No need for regret.  Do what you need to do.  Ask for support.  Life is a journey; death is a destination.

5) Change it up as needed.

Making change can be difficult. As a human, you will likely only choose to change once the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing. No matter.  Once you are ready to make a change, go for it.  Try something new.  Look for the best fit – whether it’s a college, a relationship, a home or a job.  It’s your life.  It’s your happiness.  Don’t squander any of it.  Find a place that you can land and that feels like home.  It may be challenging, but it will be worth it.  Your real job in this life is to be yourself and to have fun doing it.  Start by acknowledging your gifts and by loving who you are.

It’s taken me 40 years to figure this out, so listen up!  The secret to happiness and success is to be willing to ask yourself lots of honest questions about how you feel and what you need and then to listen to your answers with curiosity, not judgment (like blaming or beating yourself  - or others, up).  Once you know what you need, you can take responsibility for meeting those needs – and in so doing, you have the opportunity to create more happiness and success in your life.

This takes some practice, and may seem unusual, but consider that we all have feelings and needs as part of our human condition.  Notice that when you have unmet needs, you often experience less comfortable, or more “negative” emotions.  (E.g. I’m cold and I have no access to warm clothing) On the other hand, when our needs do get met, we tend to experience more of what we consider ”positive” emotions.  (E.g. I need more money and I just got a raise.) That means that our feelings can give us important information about what we need to be happier - and once we know that, we can strategize how to best meet them. 

Here’s an example.  Let’s say your boss tends to get very involved in your projects. You might label that behavior as “micromanaging”.  More importantly, you feel frustrated by the way he works with you because your desire for effectiveness feels hampered and you notice you would like more freedom and fluidity in how you get your work done.   You wish the boss would trust you.  At the same time, you like the company and you enjoy the security of a regular paycheck.  You may also be uncomfortable with finding the time to look for a new job.

So you are clear on what you feel and what you want.  How can that information help you to strategize some creative solutions?  Notice you also have a guess at what your boss is feeling and needing.  Hmmm. Your needs and his don’t seem to match. Perhaps your solution set could include meeting some of his needs  - thereby increasing the likelihood of your plan’s acceptance and success.   For example, could you suggest creating an information flow  (like a weekly status report or call) that meets his needs and at the same time also creates increased freedom for you?

On the other hand, what if you and your boss cant work it out?  Sadly, not all of our needs will be met by other people and we can’t control the way others behave.  What you can control is what you do, and now, you get to choose what is best for you.  Is your need for freedom so great that you cannot feel relaxed in your current job, or is your desire for a regular paycheck and your enjoyment of the company more important to you?  Depending on your honest answer, you may decide to leave, or to stay.  If you hate the situation and decide to stay anyway, will it increase your happiness and success?  Ask yourself, is your boss responsible for creating your best life, or are you?

This is just an example of the many ways honest questioning can work to your benefit. As long as you stick to feelings and needs and avoid beating yourself up, this approach can be very empowering, For me, exploring feelings and needs, and understanding the choices I make have led me to greater happiness.  While it isn’t always been easy, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

As a coach, I often hear, “I want to find my passion.” While some of us clearly know what we are called to do, others of us don’t.  If you are a passion seeker, here’s a clue: Drop the struggle.  Anxiety about passion won’t help you discover it faster.  For most of us, passion does not arrive as an instantaneous inspiration, but rather, it emerges as we learn who we are. 

So instead of obsessing about finding your passion, can you get passionate about exploration?  What’s happening for you now?   If your job is boring, how might you change it?  If you are burnt-out, how might you take better care of yourself?  Figure out what is stopping you.    Know it, taste it, improve it, if needed.  Try new things; be surprised by what you enjoy.  Is it possible to stop focusing on how you want things to be, and start accepting, (or even being in love with) what you are doing right now?   

For me, it’s been like putting together a jigsaw puzzle where I’ve gathered up the pieces over the course of a 35-year treasure hunt.  While part of me wishes I could have known my path sooner, it would not have been possible.  It’s only recently that I’ve gathered up enough puzzle pieces (skills and awareness) to identify the picture that has emerged.

Here are some interesting questions to help you start to consider your life’s path. How many of these can you answer?

• What do you love?

• What are your skills and gifts?

• What do you care about deeply? What moves you to tears? What issues get you angry, absorb you or bring you joy?

• What would you do for work even if you weren’t paid to do it?

• What is essential to your happiness?

• What do you really need?

• How would you describe your essential self?  Are you a problem solver, a poet, an adventurer, a maker, a storyteller, a teacher, a peacemaker, a hermit?  (Tip: Observe your patterns of behavior to get to the answer to this – rather than trying to label yourself with what you would like your essential self to be!)

Your answers to these questions are a clue to your level of self-awareness. For any that you can’t answer, get curious. Can you take a class, try a workshop, enter a contest – or work as a volunteer?  Remember that if something you try doesn’t bring you joy, (or doesn’t fit well with your skills and gifts), you can move on.

Pay attention if any of these questions awaken your inner critic. What conflicts hold you back from doing what you love?  One common issue is money. For example, if you want to be an artist, and you believe you need to earn a six-figure income to keep you afloat, ask yourself, is that absolutely true?  If you are willing to look at what you really need and want, you may find that there are a million possible creative solutions to your dilemma. Could you pursue art as a secondary money making venture?  Can you change your living situation and/or your budget so you can feed your passion until you can earn those six figures? You get the idea. Getting clear on needs and desires allows you to create many choices that can lead you to your right path.

You may also need to get clear on limiting beliefs.  Perhaps you think that following your passion is selfish and that being selfish is bad.  Is that really true?  Explore the assumptions and self-judgments that stop you from realizing your full potential and joy. If this is new to you, check out some of the many available resources, including coaching programs and books like “Loving What Is”, by Byron Katie and “I Could Do Anything if I Only Knew What  It Was” by Barbara Sher.

In short, getting on a path, any path, will take you somewhere.  And somewhere is better than being stuck sitting around lamenting that you don’t know what you want.  Don’t wait for the perfect answer to find you.  Instead, follow your light, follow your bliss.  If an idea sparkles for you, give it a go.  Have faith.  Your life will take care of itself.

When you interview, one of the most important questions you can answer is “Tell me about yourself.”  This is not a warm up question.  According to author and recruiter Skip Freeman, your answer to this question is critical.  He recommends (and I agree) that you can handle this question like a star, if you  use a three-part, 90-second elevator speech.

So to get you prepared, I’ve summarized Freeman’s tips here and illustrated my own take on a less formal approach that may be appropriate, depending on the kind of culture to which you are applying. In addition, I recommend that you customize all of your answers according to the specific job for which you are applying. 

How to Construct a Three-Part Elevator Speech

• Part one

Prepare a one or two-sentence statement of your career history, for example:

“I am a five-year veteran of LAN/WAN administration and systems engineering, with substantial experience using Novell, NT, Cisco and Lotus Notes/Domino.”

Or, my suggestion:

“As you know from my resume, I’ve been a marketing executive for over seven years, focusing on driving consumer traffic and sales performance in a variety of industries, including food service and health and beauty.  My specialty is leveraging limited resources to get the job done most cost-effectively, including social media.”

• Part two

Freeman suggests that part two consists of a one- OR two-sentence summary of a single career accomplishment that you are especially proud of and one that can reasonably be expected to capture the potential employer’s attention.

“Recently, as a long-term contract employee at a local regional bank, I learned that the bank was about to install Lotus Notes/Domino and they were planning to use outside consultants for the project. I let them know that I had done a similar installation at my last assignment, outlined how we could get the job done with in-house staff and successfully complete the installation for $55-$65K less than it would have cost with outside consultants.”

Alternatively, my version highlights and illustrates one of your strengths that the hiring company seeks.  This may take some research about the position and its goals so you can choose which of your strengths is the best fit for what they need: 

“I love analyzing brand opportunities and have a great track record of doing so.  One of my favorite projects was when I brought a cross promotion to XXXX that increased awareness by 15% and traffic by 8%, but we were able to spend only a third of the media budget to create the program– by leveraging the media clout of our cross promotional partner.”

• Part three

Freeman suggests that this segment should be customized to fit the particular career opportunity being sought.  He says it should be a one- OR two-sentence summary of specifically what you want to do in your next career move AND it must be relevant to the position being sought. Here is an example of how Part-three might be constructed:

“For the next step in my career, I would like to move away from contract work and find myself as a direct employee of a large firm where I can join a substantial IT team and be involved with a group that focuses on email and network security applications, while having access to the knowledge base that would come with a large, diverse IT group.”

 Or, my take – what excites you about this opportunity and what do you offer?

“The reason I am so excited about this position is that I see there is a huge opportunity to bring all of my experience to bear. I see the possibility of bringing new products to market, while maximizing sales of the ZZZZ product line.  Here at YYY Company, you have sufficient resources so that I can really have fun building the brand to its full potential.” 

Clearly, different endings are possible, but the goal is to try to match what you want to what an employer is looking for in a candidate.

Freeman concludes that by using a three-part approach, you can brand yourself as a true professional who will stand out from the competition by demonstrating the value of what you have to offer in a very short amount of time.  

Read Freeman's  full article here.

Happy Hunting!

Feelings are not facts, but they contain excellent information, so it’s valuable to experience them – even the uncomfortable ones.  You may think you can ignore bad feelings, but that won’t make them go away.  Instead, they typically turn inward or outward, and surface at inappropriate times for unrelated reasons.  So when you start sobbing uncontrollably during a commercial, or you get super angry when the person in front of you at the supermarket isn’t moving fast enough, chances are, your suppressed feelings are making a jailbreak.   

Having been a person who attempted to ignore my negative emotions by being overly busy, exercising and overindulging in food, I finally figured out the key to acknowledging my feelings: I notice them, but I don’t act on them until I know what they are trying to tell me.  Before I react, I ask questions. I get curious.  

Anger is a great example. When I get angry, rather than yelling or blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, I notice it. I breathe into it.  It’s a bit uncomfortable.  Sometimes I feel it in my body as a churning in the stomach.  What am I angry about?  What thought is causing that feeling?   Is it true, or is it a story?  What is the story I am telling myself?  What is it that I really need? Once I can identify what I want, (and usually it’s not punching the other person in the nose or bruising his or her ego), I can calmly express myself to the other person, or find a way to independently fulfill my needs.   Once my feelings are felt and understood, I take appropriate action, life goes on – and I get relief.  Even better, relationships stay intact! 

Fear is another emotion that can stop you in your tracks. Sometimes, that’s a good thing. Fear is meant to protect us. After all, you should be afraid of getting too close to a hungry mountain lion. On the other hand, much of the fear we experience in modern day life is created in our minds.  

Let’s say for example, that you hate your job and you desperately want to quit, but you’re afraid that you won’t get another one.  Is that really true?  How do you know? Your fear indicates that you anticipate a negative outcome. Rather than ignore that thought, can you transform it into positive action? Try breaking your fear down into understandable pieces and turning it into to-do steps that lead you to your heart’s desire.  In the example above, you might make a list that includes doing research, networking, getting training, saving money so you can quit, and updating your resume. 

In short, get curious about your feelings. Don’t just stuff them and don’t feel compelled to react to them right away.  Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but it won’t kill you.  Feelings give you the opportunity to understand what you need and to examine what you’re thinking.  It’s worth it.  The first step to getting what you want, is knowing what that is.  Feelings, especially the hard ones, can be your guide.

Saying thank you – and acknowledging someone in your workplace for a job well done or a meaningful contribution not only can make your workplace happier – it can improve retention and performance.  

You and I don’t need to read all the polls and data to know that one of the top reasons people leave a job is because they don't feel appreciated.  Money is very important, but it only goes so far.  We all want to be recognized for the value that we contribute.  At work, a simple thank you and a show of appreciation can make all the difference.  Even Gallup, the research organization, has years of research that shows engaged employees are more productive employees. 

Case in point: Doug Conant former CEO of Campbell Soup believes that giving a pat on the back is an essential part of successful leadership.  Over a ten-year period, he wrote approximately 30,000 thank you notes to employees.  Moreover, there’s proof that his attention to employee recognition as a tool for increasing engagement paid off.   After he took the helm at Campbell, his corporate culture-rebuilding program “The Campbell Promise: Campbell Valuing People.  And People Valuing Campbell,” resulted in double-digit increases for five consecutive years at a company that had previously lost half its market value.  

If that isn’t sufficient evidence that gratitude has benefits in the workplace, consider the work of Robert Emmons,  psychologist and author.  He says that gratitude enhances our sense of self-worth, while at the same time strengthening social ties.  The best part, is that his studies show that expressing gratitude increases the not only the happiness of the receiver, but also of the giver!

With that, I just want to say, thanks for reading.  Wow, I feel better already! How about you?