Project U. Blog

Why Yes is Also No

Posted by Catherine Saar on Fri, Dec 20, 2013 @ 08:13 AM

It’s the busy holiday season, and there are more things on my to-do list than I can accomplish before year- end.  As I say “yes” to the items on my list, I am actually saying “no” to some others.   Whenever I accept an invitation, or take time to return a phone call, whatever I choose, I create my life.

When I commit to one romantic relationship, I essentially say “no” to another.  When I say “yes” to tons of volunteer work and keeping a busy work and social schedule, I may be saying no to rest, exercise or other kinds of self-care.  Sometimes it seems that there is no “right” answer.  I want to do it all.  I want to meet everyone’s needs as well as my own.  So how do you know what to choose?

Some decisions are easier than others.  The tricky ones play my emotions as if they were a musical score to a Broadway show - with joy, sorrow, and a whole range of seemingly conflicting feelings showing up.

For example, when I say no, I sometimes feel grief.  I mourn what I give up, even when I am moving into something that will be more life affirming for me.   My recent divorce is a case in point.   While being divorced has allowed a world of possibility and freedom, I miss some of the predictability and ease of partnership. I am also noticing that holiday planning seemed less complicated back then 

Would I go back? NO.  Do I still feel the sadness of what I have lost and the joy at what I have gained? YES.

WTF?  This is not what Hollywood promised!  How are we able to hold sweetness, joy and sorrow all at the same time? And yet I know in my heart, that in this weird metamorphosis, I am where I need to be, moving in the direction that I need to go.

Because I am a curious human, I sometimes hunger to know the outcome of the choices I did not make.   This is more commonly called  “second guessing.” Other times, I hope to be assured of an outcome before I make a decision.  That is very rarely possible and may lead to getting stuck!

What I’ve finally learned is that I cannot make decisions only with my brain, because it doesn’t have the answer.  It has logic, which often has nothing to do with what I really want in my heart.  And sadly, just trusting emotions is also not reliable, as those fickle friends usually show up in response to what I am thinking and can change with the wind.  

My hard-won insight  (after years of yoga, coaching, and nonviolent communication) is to rely more on the sensations in my body for decision making.  For example, I can notice a sense of relaxation and calm that I feel when I find an answer that suits me best.  It shows up as easier breathing, and lightness behind my eyes. I feel more open. On the other hand, when I am conflicted, I may feel tightness in my belly, my chest and/or my throat.  My eyes feel tired. 

My body is really smart.  It seems to be able to dialogue with my heart and my mind in ways to gather wisdom that heart or mind alone cannot access.  This kind of sensory feedback can take some mindfulness to observe, but it is available if you commit to noticing.  Or, download here; THE BODY COMPASS video that will take you through a simple exercise that can help you create an internal guidance mechanism.

My hope for you is that you can begin to listen carefully and notice what your body says when you say “yes,” or you say “no.”  Take your time, and trust yourself.  Remember, in every moment, you decide how you live your life, and you also get another opportunity to try something different.

 

Best Wishes for a happy and healthy 2014.

Tags: relationship, nonviolent communication, coaching, heart, divorced, curious, body compass, self care, yoga, second-guessing, stuck, body, exercise, grieve, metamorphosis

How We Fail

Posted by Catherine Saar on Tue, Jul 30, 2013 @ 09:02 AM

failurepic“If you were sure you would succeed, what would you do in your life?”  is a question that almost always provokes a very clear and meaningful answer from coaching clients who say they feel stuck and they aren’t sure what they want.

This no longer surprises me.  Somehow, taking the possibility of failure out of the equation frees us to dream and to dream big.  It happens time and time again, because in short, most of us are afraid to fail.  It is astonishing how a four-letter word can wield so much power over our lives.

Perhaps it is a stigma that we start learning in grade school that comes with the fear of failing to pass a subject or a test.  These early encounters teach us the habit of imprisoning ourselves with terror and shame should we be called out for failing.  I prefer to frame the word according to actor Gary Bussey’s definition: “You know what 'FAILING' stands for? It stands for 'Finding An Important Lesson, Inviting Needed Growth.”  

When I think about what it means to fail, I think Bussey is right.  Isn’t trying and failing and then trying again how we learn our most basic and meaningful lessons, like walking, talking and riding a bike?

Certainly, when we are learning a new sport and we make mistakes, we don’t consider ourselves to be failures. We expect that we will keep working and honing our skills – or we may decide that we don’t have any skill in a particular sport or a subject and we will try something else.  Its’ all a learning process that we readily accept – and yet, when the stakes get higher, like when we are pursuing a lifelong dream, so often the dread and anxiety of failure keeps us from moving forward.

So when we conceive of the word “failure” as a shameful label it seems to assume that we only get a limited number of tries at something or that there is only one acceptable solution.  It gives us no credit for learning and for gaining valuable experience over time. 

To that end, can we reframe how we use the word “fail”?  What would it be like to strike the word from our vocabulary?  Imagine if our report cards could say, “incomplete knowledge “when we don’t pass a subject or a test.  Or, maybe they could say, “more progress required for completion. “

For me that approach feels more motivating.  Suddenly, “I’m no good at math,” becomes – “Maybe I can go back and explore that subject in a different way.” The language shift offers us an invitation to continue to pursue, rather than shaming us into hiding and hopelessness.

And I also realize that you may be one of those folks who openly embrace failure.   That is awesome! Perhaps you can be a role model for the rest of us.  According to Inventor Thomas Edison, “Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

My hope is that you won’t be one of the people that Edison is talking about.  Keep the faith.  Giving-up is how we fail. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tags: anxiety, coaching, Gary Bussey, Thomas Edison, giving up, failing, lessons, dread, motivating, power, stuck, dream, succeed, shameful, hopelessness, progress, fail, failure

Drop the Struggle and Find Your Passion

Posted by Catherine Saar on Tue, Nov 06, 2012 @ 08:07 PM

As a coach, I often hear, “I want to find my passion.” While some of us clearly know what we are called to do, others of us don’t.  If you are a passion seeker, here’s a clue: Drop the struggle.  Anxiety about passion won’t help you discover it faster.  For most of us, passion does not arrive as an instantaneous inspiration, but rather, it emerges as we learn who we are. 

So instead of obsessing about finding your passion, can you get passionate about exploration?  What’s happening for you now?   If your job is boring, how might you change it?  If you are burnt-out, how might you take better care of yourself?  Figure out what is stopping you.    Know it, taste it, improve it, if needed.  Try new things; be surprised by what you enjoy.  Is it possible to stop focusing on how you want things to be, and start accepting, (or even being in love with) what you are doing right now?   

For me, it’s been like putting together a jigsaw puzzle where I’ve gathered up the pieces over the course of a 35-year treasure hunt.  While part of me wishes I could have known my path sooner, it would not have been possible.  It’s only recently that I’ve gathered up enough puzzle pieces (skills and awareness) to identify the picture that has emerged.

Here are some interesting questions to help you start to consider your life’s path. How many of these can you answer?

  • What do you love?

  • What are your skills and gifts?

  • What do you care about deeply? What moves you to tears? What issues get you angry, absorb you or bring you joy?

  • What would you do for work even if you weren’t paid to do it?

  • What is essential to your happiness?

  • What do you really need?

  • How would you describe your essential self?  Are you a problem solver, a poet, an adventurer, a maker, a storyteller, a teacher, a peacemaker, a hermit?  (Tip: Observe your patterns of behavior to get to the answer to this – rather than trying to label yourself with what you would like your essential self to be!)

Your answers to these questions are a clue to your level of self-awareness. For any that you can’t answer, get curious. Can you take a class, try a workshop, enter a contest – or work as a volunteer?  Remember that if something you try doesn’t bring you joy, (or doesn’t fit well with your skills and gifts), you can move on.

Pay attention if any of these questions awaken your inner critic. What conflicts hold you back from doing what you love?  One common issue is money. For example, if you want to be an artist, and you believe you need to earn a six-figure income to keep you afloat, ask yourself, is that absolutely true?  If you are willing to look at what you really need and want, you may find that there are a million possible creative solutions to your dilemma. Could you pursue art as a secondary money making venture?  Can you change your living situation and/or your budget so you can feed your passion until you can earn those six figures? You get the idea. Getting clear on needs and desires allows you to create many choices that can lead you to your right path.

You may also need to get clear on limiting beliefs.  Perhaps you think that following your passion is selfish and that being selfish is bad.  Is that really true?  Explore the assumptions and self-judgments that stop you from realizing your full potential and joy. If this is new to you, check out some of the many available resources, including coaching programs and books like “Loving What Is”, by Byron Katie and “I Could Do Anything if I Only Knew What  It Was” by Barbara Sher.

In short, getting on a path, any path, will take you somewhere.  And somewhere is better than being stuck sitting around lamenting that you don’t know what you want.  Don’t wait for the perfect answer to find you.  Instead, follow your light, follow your bliss.  If an idea sparkles for you, give it a go.  Have faith.  Your life will take care of itself.

Tags: anxiety, Byron Katie, Loving What Is, Barbara Sher, stuck, joy, struggle, burnt-out, bliss, coach, job, life, passion, exploration, inner critic, limiting beliefs

Facts Matter, but Energy is Key

Posted by Catherine Saar on Thu, Oct 04, 2012 @ 11:22 AM
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I watched the presidential debate last night.  We can argue about who got what right, and the fact checkers can weigh in, but in the end, my hunch is that most of us read the energy of the candidates more than we analyzed every word they said.

If you were able to watch or listen, ask yourself, which candidate seemed energized?  Which candidate was not? How did that make you feel about each of them?  Did it make you trust one more than the other?

I sensed that Obama was tired, while Romney was energized.  Remember this when you are interviewing, in a relationship, or making a presentation.  The facts are important, but in the wise words of Maya Angelou, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

My key takeaway? It’s important to learn how to work with your energy.  One of the key pieces to clear energy is being in your truth, otherwise you can get very stuck!  What is authentic for you?  When you align with who you are and what you need, your energy can shine through you.  Although the path can be challenging, it’s worth the trip. 

Tags: relationship, challenging, interviewing, path, stuck, feel, align, shine, trust, energy, energized, Maya Angelou, truth, authentic

How Words Can Change Your Destiny

Posted by Catherine Saar on Fri, Sep 07, 2012 @ 10:42 AM

I’ve decided that the old nursery rhyme, “Stickssticks and stones reframed and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” is dead wrong.  Words have power.  They affect us to our core.  Consider the power of “I’m sorry,” and “I love you,” or “You’re a screw-up.” Think about the power of a parent who says to the child, “I believe in you.” Also, consider the impact on the child who never hears those words from a caring adult. 

As children, our world is greatly influenced by the words of parents, siblings, friends and teachers. Their words become the fabric of our self-definition.  If momma said you were stupid and clumsy, why would you believe anything different? If teacher said you were lazy or irresponsible, why wouldn’t you take his word for it?

As adults, we have the opportunity to rediscover and reclaim who we are. As shocking as it is, maybe mom and dad were inaccurate about how they characterized us. An important part of reclaiming our true selves is to become aware of the words we use to describe ourselves to ourselves.  Although we cannot always choose the words that others say to us, we can choose the words we use. Ask yourself, are you choosing your words, or are you in default mode? 

Start by noticing if you are compassionate with yourself, or if instead you have a habit of using old labels that no longer serve you.  Do you describe yourself as “fragile”, “weak”, or “not very good at x?”   Why?   Perhaps there are more positive ways to understand yourself. Maybe “fragility” (for example,) is a label that is less descriptive, and less accurate than a word like “empathic” to describe your behavior. By reframing your self-description, you suddenly create access to your unique character and can put it to work as an asset rather than claim it as a liability.  Another example: perhaps “weak” is a self-berating label that poorly describes the fact that you are considerate of other’s needs - and that you don’t always need to have your own way.  In fact, rather than seeing yourself as a lousy negotiator, you may find you are a natural facilitator and collaborator!

My experience is that shaming, blaming or labeling oneself (and others) is not helpful, nor is it motivational.  Beating myself up and/or blaming others doesn’t translate into a more beneficial outcome. Instead of inspiring action, it keeps me stuck in a prison of self-loathing and low self-esteem.  On the other hand, when I replace judgment with compassion and curiosity (acting a bit like a scientist) I can more easily leverage my natural abilities.  This approach helps me to accept and appreciate myself, and then to decide if there is anything that I want to change.  For example, I might think, “Gee, I really overreacted.  What caused me to act or to feel that way? What does that tell me?  Is there an action I can take, or a thought I can reframe to improve the situation?  What will feel better? How do I get there?”

In short, if you feel stuck and want to lead a more joyful life, start by being kind with the words you say to yourself.  Can you identify and discard the vestiges of childhood labels?  Try talking to yourself as if you were speaking to a good friend.  Show compassion.  Look for what is good.

I leave you with this quote from freethechildren.org:

“Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions. Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits. Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character. Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.”

Tags: motivational, hurt, empathic, destiny, compassion, fragile, shaming, blaming, curiosity, power, true selves, weak, liability, stuck, self-loathing, reframing, labeling, low self-esteem, natural abilities, joyful life