Project U. Blog

Confronting Conflict with Heart

Posted by Catherine Saar on Tue, Aug 27, 2013 @ 09:29 AM

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Conflict with someone you care about (or have to work with), can make the stakes for satisfactory resolution very high. How you handle the situation affects not only how you feel about yourself, but also how the other person feels about you. Swallowing your needs may lead to resentment.  Lashing out may damage the relationship.

So how do you speak up for yourself, listen to the other person, and manage to keep an openhearted connection when you are in the middle of a heated disagreement?

Deepak Chopra says that through mindfulness, we can begin to develop ”the ability to calmly and objectively observe a situation, acknowledge when we are being triggered and choose how we want to respond. Instead of feeling stuck in knee jerk reactions and conditioned patterns of behavior, we free ourselves to make choices that will help us fulfill our deepest desires for love, fulfillment and happiness.”*

That really resonates for me. There are several mindfulness practices, including self-empathy that help me to consult my heart before acting on emotion.  In so doing, I get the chance to express myself with compassion– for myself - as well as for the other person, rather than responding out of anger, guilt or fear.

Following this path doesn’t mean giving up on what you want.  It also doesn’t mean ignoring the needs and wants of the other person either. Considering both sets of needs is important when you care about the relationship.

At times when it seems easier to clam up or lash out, consider whether either of those actions will deliver a peaceful, satisfying result. When the answer is no, investing the energy to calmly engage can be worthwhile.  Once committed, here are some tips that can help guide you through a connected interaction:

  • Take time to self assess. A deep breath and a brief time-out may enable you to connect with your feelings and needs. Sometimes saying, “This issue is clearly very important, and I really want to talk about it with you. Can you give me a minute to get my thoughts together?” may be just what you need to center yourself.
  • Focus on the issue, not the person. Avoid name-calling and personal attacks to reduce the likelihood of hurt feelings.
  • Acknowledge feelings. Respectfully listen and acknowledge the person’s feelings, either verbally or by giving them undivided attention. Be careful not to tell someone that he or she “shouldn’t” feel a certain way. Also try saving your point of view until after the other person knows that you understand how intensely they feel about the issue, even if you don’t agree with their point of view.
  • Try curiosity not defensiveness. Avoid defending yourself by proclaiming innocence, or rightness, or by attacking and blaming the other person.  This escalates a confrontation. Instead, ask for more information, details, and examples. There is usually some basis for the other person’s complaint and these questions can lead to a better understanding of what the issue is.
  • Give/Ask for specifics. When you or the other party has complaints, ask for (or give) specific examples so you can both get greater clarity.
  • Find points of agreement. Usually, a conflict has points of agreement.  Seek places where your needs match the needs of the other person. Finding common ground, even if it’s simply agreeing that there is a problem, can contribute to a solution.
  • Consider many options. Invite collaboration and resolution by offering and asking politely for suggestions and alternatives. Carefully consider each suggestion and be open to trying an approach you might not have previously considered. 

And remember, with any important relationship, conflict resolution is not about winning. It’s about taking care of you while seeking solutions that meet needs for all involved parties. Take a deep breath - and good luck

 

*Quotation from Oprah Winfrey's 21-Day Relationship Meditation Challenge document Day 16.

 

Tags: relationship, heart, collaboration, compassion, curiosity, clarity, love, free, conflict resolution, meditation, Oprah Winfrey, avoid escalation, mindfulness, stressful, Tips, teleseminar, Deepak Chopra, resentful, happiness, resolution, fulfillment, emotion

How Words Can Change Your Destiny

Posted by Catherine Saar on Fri, Sep 07, 2012 @ 10:42 AM

I’ve decided that the old nursery rhyme, “Stickssticks and stones reframed and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” is dead wrong.  Words have power.  They affect us to our core.  Consider the power of “I’m sorry,” and “I love you,” or “You’re a screw-up.” Think about the power of a parent who says to the child, “I believe in you.” Also, consider the impact on the child who never hears those words from a caring adult. 

As children, our world is greatly influenced by the words of parents, siblings, friends and teachers. Their words become the fabric of our self-definition.  If momma said you were stupid and clumsy, why would you believe anything different? If teacher said you were lazy or irresponsible, why wouldn’t you take his word for it?

As adults, we have the opportunity to rediscover and reclaim who we are. As shocking as it is, maybe mom and dad were inaccurate about how they characterized us. An important part of reclaiming our true selves is to become aware of the words we use to describe ourselves to ourselves.  Although we cannot always choose the words that others say to us, we can choose the words we use. Ask yourself, are you choosing your words, or are you in default mode? 

Start by noticing if you are compassionate with yourself, or if instead you have a habit of using old labels that no longer serve you.  Do you describe yourself as “fragile”, “weak”, or “not very good at x?”   Why?   Perhaps there are more positive ways to understand yourself. Maybe “fragility” (for example,) is a label that is less descriptive, and less accurate than a word like “empathic” to describe your behavior. By reframing your self-description, you suddenly create access to your unique character and can put it to work as an asset rather than claim it as a liability.  Another example: perhaps “weak” is a self-berating label that poorly describes the fact that you are considerate of other’s needs - and that you don’t always need to have your own way.  In fact, rather than seeing yourself as a lousy negotiator, you may find you are a natural facilitator and collaborator!

My experience is that shaming, blaming or labeling oneself (and others) is not helpful, nor is it motivational.  Beating myself up and/or blaming others doesn’t translate into a more beneficial outcome. Instead of inspiring action, it keeps me stuck in a prison of self-loathing and low self-esteem.  On the other hand, when I replace judgment with compassion and curiosity (acting a bit like a scientist) I can more easily leverage my natural abilities.  This approach helps me to accept and appreciate myself, and then to decide if there is anything that I want to change.  For example, I might think, “Gee, I really overreacted.  What caused me to act or to feel that way? What does that tell me?  Is there an action I can take, or a thought I can reframe to improve the situation?  What will feel better? How do I get there?”

In short, if you feel stuck and want to lead a more joyful life, start by being kind with the words you say to yourself.  Can you identify and discard the vestiges of childhood labels?  Try talking to yourself as if you were speaking to a good friend.  Show compassion.  Look for what is good.

I leave you with this quote from freethechildren.org:

“Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions. Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits. Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character. Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.”

Tags: motivational, hurt, empathic, destiny, compassion, fragile, shaming, blaming, curiosity, power, true selves, weak, liability, stuck, self-loathing, reframing, labeling, low self-esteem, natural abilities, joyful life