Project U. Blog

It’s taken me 40 years to figure this out, so listen up!  The secret to happiness and success is to be willing to ask yourself lots of honest questions about how you feel and what you need and then to listen to your answers with curiosity, not judgment (like blaming or beating yourself  - or others, up).  Once you know what you need, you can take responsibility for meeting those needs – and in so doing, you have the opportunity to create more happiness and success in your life.

This takes some practice, and may seem unusual, but consider that we all have feelings and needs as part of our human condition.  Notice that when you have unmet needs, you often experience less comfortable, or more “negative” emotions.  (E.g. I’m cold and I have no access to warm clothing) On the other hand, when our needs do get met, we tend to experience more of what we consider ”positive” emotions.  (E.g. I need more money and I just got a raise.) That means that our feelings can give us important information about what we need to be happier - and once we know that, we can strategize how to best meet them. 

Here’s an example.  Let’s say your boss tends to get very involved in your projects. You might label that behavior as “micromanaging”.  More importantly, you feel frustrated by the way he works with you because your desire for effectiveness feels hampered and you notice you would like more freedom and fluidity in how you get your work done.   You wish the boss would trust you.  At the same time, you like the company and you enjoy the security of a regular paycheck.  You may also be uncomfortable with finding the time to look for a new job.

So you are clear on what you feel and what you want.  How can that information help you to strategize some creative solutions?  Notice you also have a guess at what your boss is feeling and needing.  Hmmm. Your needs and his don’t seem to match. Perhaps your solution set could include meeting some of his needs  - thereby increasing the likelihood of your plan’s acceptance and success.   For example, could you suggest creating an information flow  (like a weekly status report or call) that meets his needs and at the same time also creates increased freedom for you?

On the other hand, what if you and your boss cant work it out?  Sadly, not all of our needs will be met by other people and we can’t control the way others behave.  What you can control is what you do, and now, you get to choose what is best for you.  Is your need for freedom so great that you cannot feel relaxed in your current job, or is your desire for a regular paycheck and your enjoyment of the company more important to you?  Depending on your honest answer, you may decide to leave, or to stay.  If you hate the situation and decide to stay anyway, will it increase your happiness and success?  Ask yourself, is your boss responsible for creating your best life, or are you?

This is just an example of the many ways honest questioning can work to your benefit. As long as you stick to feelings and needs and avoid beating yourself up, this approach can be very empowering, For me, exploring feelings and needs, and understanding the choices I make have led me to greater happiness.  While it isn’t always been easy, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’ve decided that the old nursery rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” is dead wrong.  Words have power.  They affect us to our core.  Consider the power of “I’m sorry,” and “I love you,” or “You’re a screw-up.” Think about the power of a parent who says to the child, “I believe in you.” Also, consider the impact on the child who never hears those words from a caring adult. 

As children, our world is greatly influenced by the words of parents, siblings, friends and teachers. Their words become the fabric of our self-definition.  If momma said you were stupid and clumsy, why would you believe anything different? If teacher said you were lazy or irresponsible, why wouldn’t you take his word for it?

As adults, we have the opportunity to rediscover and reclaim who we are. As shocking as it is, maybe mom and dad were inaccurate about how they characterized us. An important part of reclaiming our true selves is to become aware of the words we use to describe ourselves to ourselves.  Although we cannot always choose the words that others say to us, we can choose the words we use. Ask yourself, are you choosing your words, or are you in default mode? 

Start by noticing if you are compassionate with yourself, or if instead you have a habit of using old labels that no longer serve you.  Do you describe yourself as “fragile”, “weak”, or “not very good at x?”   Why?   Perhaps there are more positive ways to understand yourself. Maybe “fragility” (for example,) is a label that is less descriptive, and less accurate than a word like “empathic” to describe your behavior. By reframing your self-description, you suddenly create access to your unique character and can put it to work as an asset rather than claim it as a liability.  Another example: perhaps “weak” is a self-berating label that poorly describes the fact that you are considerate of other’s needs - and that you don’t always need to have your own way.  In fact, rather than seeing yourself as a lousy negotiator, you may find you are a natural facilitator and collaborator!

My experience is that shaming, blaming or labeling oneself (and others) is not helpful, nor is it motivational.  Beating myself up and/or blaming others doesn’t translate into a more beneficial outcome. Instead of inspiring action, it keeps me stuck in a prison of self-loathing and low self-esteem.  On the other hand, when I replace judgment with compassion and curiosity (acting a bit like a scientist) I can more easily leverage my natural abilities.  This approach helps me to accept and appreciate myself, and then to decide if there is anything that I want to change.  For example, I might think, “Gee, I really overreacted.  What caused me to act or to feel that way? What does that tell me?  Is there an action I can take, or a thought I can reframe to improve the situation?  What will feel better? How do I get there?”

In short, if you feel stuck and want to lead a more joyful life, start by being kind with the words you say to yourself.  Can you identify and discard the vestiges of childhood labels?  Try talking to yourself as if you were speaking to a good friend.  Show compassion.  Look for what is good.

I leave you with this quote from freethechildren.org:

“Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions. Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits. Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character. Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.”