Project U. Blog

Conflict with someone you care about (or have to work with), can make the stakes for satisfactory resolution very high. How you handle the situation affects not only how you feel about yourself, but also how the other person feels about you. Swallowing your needs may lead to resentment.  Lashing out may damage the relationship.

So how do you speak up for yourself, listen to the other person, and manage to keep an openhearted connection when you are in the middle of a heated disagreement?

Deepak Chopra says that through mindfulness, we can begin to develop ”the ability to calmly and objectively observe a situation, acknowledge when we are being triggered and choose how we want to respond. Instead of feeling stuck in knee jerk reactions and conditioned patterns of behavior, we free ourselves to make choices that will help us fulfill our deepest desires for love, fulfillment and happiness.”*

That really resonates for me. There are several mindfulness practices, including self-empathy that help me to consult my heart before acting on emotion.  In so doing, I get the chance to express myself with compassion– for myself - as well as for the other person, rather than responding out of anger, guilt or fear.

Following this path doesn’t mean giving up on what you want.  It also doesn’t mean ignoring the needs and wants of the other person either. Considering both sets of needs is important when you care about the relationship.

At times when it seems easier to clam up or lash out, consider whether either of those actions will deliver a peaceful, satisfying result. When the answer is no, investing the energy to calmly engage can be worthwhile.  Once committed, here are some tips that can help guide you through a connected interaction:

• Take time to self assess. A deep breath and a brief time-out may enable you to connect with your feelings and needs. Sometimes saying, “This issue is clearly very important, and I really want to talk about it with you. Can you give me a minute to get my thoughts together?” may be just what you need to center yourself.
• Focus on the issue, not the person. Avoid name-calling and personal attacks to reduce the likelihood of hurt feelings.
• Acknowledge feelings. Respectfully listen and acknowledge the person’s feelings, either verbally or by giving them undivided attention. Be careful not to tell someone that he or she “shouldn’t” feel a certain way. Also try saving your point of view until after the other person knows that you understand how intensely they feel about the issue, even if you don’t agree with their point of view.
• Try curiosity not defensiveness. Avoid defending yourself by proclaiming innocence, or rightness, or by attacking and blaming the other person.  This escalates a confrontation. Instead, ask for more information, details, and examples. There is usually some basis for the other person’s complaint and these questions can lead to a better understanding of what the issue is.
• Give/Ask for specifics. When you or the other party has complaints, ask for (or give) specific examples so you can both get greater clarity.
• Find points of agreement. Usually, a conflict has points of agreement.  Seek places where your needs match the needs of the other person. Finding common ground, even if it’s simply agreeing that there is a problem, can contribute to a solution.
• Consider many options. Invite collaboration and resolution by offering and asking politely for suggestions and alternatives. Carefully consider each suggestion and be open to trying an approach you might not have previously considered. 

And remember, with any important relationship, conflict resolution is not about winning. It’s about taking care of you while seeking solutions that meet needs for all involved parties. Take a deep breath - and good luck

*Quotation from Oprah Winfrey's 21-Day Relationship Meditation Challenge document Day 16.

As a career and wellness coach, I talk to clients all the time who want to feel happier and more successful in their lives.  Maybe they have to pick a college, a job, or decide whether to stay in a relationship.   Most of the time, they start from the outside and try to force fit themselves into something they aren’t good at or they don’t enjoy. They do it for the money, or to please mom or dad or to avoid being weird.  Often, they choose organizations that aren’t supportive of them, or surround themselves with people that don’t or can’t appreciate them for who they are.   If any of this sounds familiar, (about you or someone you know) then here are five suggestions to consider:

1) Know who you are.

Get clarity about what you are good at, and also about what do you love to do. Consider all your skills and love.  None of them are too small or too insignificant to count. Figure out if, or where those characteristics overlap.  Maybe they don’t. On the other hand, how might you include both in your life?  Could you put them together in a new and different way to invent something unusual? For example, maybe you are a skilled accountant and love listening to music, could you become an accountant for a radio station, a band or a performing arts organization?

2) Embrace and enhance your talents.

Once you know what you are good at, realize that it is not an accident. You are a unique expression of creativity in the universe. You have gifts.  You have a style. Go with it.  If you are a writer, write.  A great caregiver? Give care. A maker? Make. A teacher? Teach.  A good listener?  Listen.  Don’t fight it – appreciate it.  Whatever you have to offer, I assure you, it is worthwhile. And, like a garden, if you tend to it, it will blossom into something beautiful that will bring joy to you and to others.

3) Invest Yourself in opportunities (and people) that fit with your special and unique gifts.

Success is all about “fit.”  Find jobs, causes, people and/or organizations that will benefit from your skills and gifts.  Seek to spend time with people and causes that you believe in. Go to them and offer your gifts.  Develop your talents; hone them and make them grow.  Even if what you choose is not your primary money making endeavor, invest time and energy because it will feed your soul.  Wherever possible, surround yourself with people who appreciate you. Find a tribe. Even a single supportive friend or a pet can be enough companionship to give you the courage to align your life with your spirit.  Commit to spending way less time with people who don’t encourage and support you.

4) Accept that learning is continuous.

Just because you are following your heart and taking care of yourself, doesn’t mean that everything will go smoothly.  This is life.  Things go wrong; circumstances change.  Maybe you thought you really wanted to organize projects – so you took a desk job - and then found out that you are miserable unless you are doing lots of physical activity.  It’s okay!  It’s just new information. Go back to step one and two and then back to step three.  Get creative. Don’t beat yourself up.  No need for regret.  Do what you need to do.  Ask for support.  Life is a journey; death is a destination.

5) Change it up as needed.

Making change can be difficult. As a human, you will likely only choose to change once the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing. No matter.  Once you are ready to make a change, go for it.  Try something new.  Look for the best fit – whether it’s a college, a relationship, a home or a job.  It’s your life.  It’s your happiness.  Don’t squander any of it.  Find a place that you can land and that feels like home.  It may be challenging, but it will be worth it.  Your real job in this life is to be yourself and to have fun doing it.  Start by acknowledging your gifts and by loving who you are.

It’s taken me 40 years to figure this out, so listen up!  The secret to happiness and success is to be willing to ask yourself lots of honest questions about how you feel and what you need and then to listen to your answers with curiosity, not judgment (like blaming or beating yourself  - or others, up).  Once you know what you need, you can take responsibility for meeting those needs – and in so doing, you have the opportunity to create more happiness and success in your life.

This takes some practice, and may seem unusual, but consider that we all have feelings and needs as part of our human condition.  Notice that when you have unmet needs, you often experience less comfortable, or more “negative” emotions.  (E.g. I’m cold and I have no access to warm clothing) On the other hand, when our needs do get met, we tend to experience more of what we consider ”positive” emotions.  (E.g. I need more money and I just got a raise.) That means that our feelings can give us important information about what we need to be happier - and once we know that, we can strategize how to best meet them. 

Here’s an example.  Let’s say your boss tends to get very involved in your projects. You might label that behavior as “micromanaging”.  More importantly, you feel frustrated by the way he works with you because your desire for effectiveness feels hampered and you notice you would like more freedom and fluidity in how you get your work done.   You wish the boss would trust you.  At the same time, you like the company and you enjoy the security of a regular paycheck.  You may also be uncomfortable with finding the time to look for a new job.

So you are clear on what you feel and what you want.  How can that information help you to strategize some creative solutions?  Notice you also have a guess at what your boss is feeling and needing.  Hmmm. Your needs and his don’t seem to match. Perhaps your solution set could include meeting some of his needs  - thereby increasing the likelihood of your plan’s acceptance and success.   For example, could you suggest creating an information flow  (like a weekly status report or call) that meets his needs and at the same time also creates increased freedom for you?

On the other hand, what if you and your boss cant work it out?  Sadly, not all of our needs will be met by other people and we can’t control the way others behave.  What you can control is what you do, and now, you get to choose what is best for you.  Is your need for freedom so great that you cannot feel relaxed in your current job, or is your desire for a regular paycheck and your enjoyment of the company more important to you?  Depending on your honest answer, you may decide to leave, or to stay.  If you hate the situation and decide to stay anyway, will it increase your happiness and success?  Ask yourself, is your boss responsible for creating your best life, or are you?

This is just an example of the many ways honest questioning can work to your benefit. As long as you stick to feelings and needs and avoid beating yourself up, this approach can be very empowering, For me, exploring feelings and needs, and understanding the choices I make have led me to greater happiness.  While it isn’t always been easy, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

"I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we desire contentment. In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the principal source of success in life. Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. The key is to develop inner peace.”

Dalai Lama (Head of the Dge-lugs-pa order of Tibetan Buddhists, 1989 Nobel Peace Prize, b.1935)

Wishing you a peaceful holiday season filled with happy moments.

It's not hogwash.  There is proof that a positive outlook pays off.  To that end, I loved this list of documented positivity benefits by Jon Gordon, author and coach from his latest newsletter. Find out more about Jon and  his many offerings (including a free tele-seminar) at his site www.JonGordon.com. 

11 Benefits of Being Positive

By Jon Gordon

Over the years I've done a lot of research on the positive effects of being positive and the negative effects of being negative. The research is clear. It really does pay to be positive and the benefits include enhanced health and longevity, happiness, career advancement, athletic performance, team building and financial success. Being positive is not just a nice way to live. It’s the way to live. In this spirit, here are 11 benefits of being positive.

1. Positive People Live Longer - In a study of nuns, those that regularly expressed positive emotions lived on average 10 years longer. (The Nun Study)

2. Positive work environments outperform negative work environments. (Daniel Goleman)

3. Positive, optimistic sales people sell more than pessimistic sales people. (Martin Seligman)

4. Positive leaders are able to make better decisions under pressure. (Heartmath.org)

5. Marriages are much more likely to succeed when the couple experiences a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions whereas when the ratio approaches 1 to 1, marriages are more likely to end in divorce. (John Gottman)

6. Positive people who regularly express positive emotions are more resilient when facing stress, challenges and adversity. (Several Studies)

7. Positive people are able to maintain a broader perspective and see the big picture which helps them identify solutions where as negative people maintain a narrower perspective and tend to focus on problems. (Barbara Fredrickson)

8. Positive thoughts and emotions counter the negative effects of stress. For example, you can't be thankful and stressed at the same time. (Several Studies)

9. Positive emotions such as gratitude and appreciation help athletes perform at a higher level. (Heartmath.org)

10. Positive people have more friends which is a key factor of happiness and longevity. (Robert D. Putnam)

11. Positive and popular leaders are more likely to garner the support of others and receive pay raises and promotions and achieve greater success in the workplace. (Tim Sanders)

Visit Jon's site for more insights and goodies.  BTW, I found item 8, "Positive thoughts and emotions counter the negative effects of stress", the most useful reminder for mastering everyday living.  What resonated for you?

Saying thank you – and acknowledging someone in your workplace for a job well done or a meaningful contribution not only can make your workplace happier – it can improve retention and performance.  

You and I don’t need to read all the polls and data to know that one of the top reasons people leave a job is because they don't feel appreciated.  Money is very important, but it only goes so far.  We all want to be recognized for the value that we contribute.  At work, a simple thank you and a show of appreciation can make all the difference.  Even Gallup, the research organization, has years of research that shows engaged employees are more productive employees. 

Case in point: Doug Conant former CEO of Campbell Soup believes that giving a pat on the back is an essential part of successful leadership.  Over a ten-year period, he wrote approximately 30,000 thank you notes to employees.  Moreover, there’s proof that his attention to employee recognition as a tool for increasing engagement paid off.   After he took the helm at Campbell, his corporate culture-rebuilding program “The Campbell Promise: Campbell Valuing People.  And People Valuing Campbell,” resulted in double-digit increases for five consecutive years at a company that had previously lost half its market value.  

If that isn’t sufficient evidence that gratitude has benefits in the workplace, consider the work of Robert Emmons,  psychologist and author.  He says that gratitude enhances our sense of self-worth, while at the same time strengthening social ties.  The best part, is that his studies show that expressing gratitude increases the not only the happiness of the receiver, but also of the giver!

With that, I just want to say, thanks for reading.  Wow, I feel better already! How about you?

What is the top goal you have for yourself?  Do you need to find a new job?  Stress less?  Earn more money?

Okay, sit quietly.  Be aware of your breath for thirty seconds and decide to release all that you don’t need.  Then visualize and feel the feeling you will get once you have accomplished your most important goal.

Got that feeling?  That picture?  Hold onto it.  Breathe it in, savor it. Breathe out and let it go.

Now, make a to-do list for today, or this week.  On it, include at least two important tasks that you can do that will help you get closer to your most important goal.

• Look at your calendar. How can you make time today, or this week to get at least two of your goal related items started?  How much time can you give the important goal item today, or this week?  Start small if you need to.  Even fifteen minutes can be a great start!

Consider all of your time and how you spend it:

• What things do you have to do (obligations and commitments) today or this week?  Are they important?  Must you do these things?  Do you want to do them?  Can they wait?

• Are there less important things on your to-do list (or on your calendar) that can be postponed or eliminated? 

• What less important things can you delegate or request of others? 

• Allocate time to work toward your goals.  I don’t care if it’s think time, or gym time, or updating your resume; it doesn’t matter what it is. Schedule the time and stick to it, even if it’s only 15 minutes.   

At the end of this process, remember the feeling of satisfaction, happiness, ease, (whatever it is) that you felt when you pictured yourself having accomplished your goal. Enjoy it again.

Take a deep breath and get to work.  Start your day.  At the end of each day, ask yourself, did I invest time into the activities that are most important to me and will further my goals? 

If yes, give yourself a pat on the back. If not, ask why not?  What is getting in my way?  What can I shift or change in my life (or in my mindset) that will allow me to get to work on the things that what I care about?

Tomorrow, try it again.  Your time is your currency.  Invest it well.