Project U. Blog

Confronting Conflict with Heart

Posted by Catherine Saar on Tue, Aug 27, 2013 @ 09:29 AM

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Conflict with someone you care about (or have to work with), can make the stakes for satisfactory resolution very high. How you handle the situation affects not only how you feel about yourself, but also how the other person feels about you. Swallowing your needs may lead to resentment.  Lashing out may damage the relationship.

So how do you speak up for yourself, listen to the other person, and manage to keep an openhearted connection when you are in the middle of a heated disagreement?

Deepak Chopra says that through mindfulness, we can begin to develop ”the ability to calmly and objectively observe a situation, acknowledge when we are being triggered and choose how we want to respond. Instead of feeling stuck in knee jerk reactions and conditioned patterns of behavior, we free ourselves to make choices that will help us fulfill our deepest desires for love, fulfillment and happiness.”*

That really resonates for me. There are several mindfulness practices, including self-empathy that help me to consult my heart before acting on emotion.  In so doing, I get the chance to express myself with compassion– for myself - as well as for the other person, rather than responding out of anger, guilt or fear.

Following this path doesn’t mean giving up on what you want.  It also doesn’t mean ignoring the needs and wants of the other person either. Considering both sets of needs is important when you care about the relationship.

At times when it seems easier to clam up or lash out, consider whether either of those actions will deliver a peaceful, satisfying result. When the answer is no, investing the energy to calmly engage can be worthwhile.  Once committed, here are some tips that can help guide you through a connected interaction:

  • Take time to self assess. A deep breath and a brief time-out may enable you to connect with your feelings and needs. Sometimes saying, “This issue is clearly very important, and I really want to talk about it with you. Can you give me a minute to get my thoughts together?” may be just what you need to center yourself.
  • Focus on the issue, not the person. Avoid name-calling and personal attacks to reduce the likelihood of hurt feelings.
  • Acknowledge feelings. Respectfully listen and acknowledge the person’s feelings, either verbally or by giving them undivided attention. Be careful not to tell someone that he or she “shouldn’t” feel a certain way. Also try saving your point of view until after the other person knows that you understand how intensely they feel about the issue, even if you don’t agree with their point of view.
  • Try curiosity not defensiveness. Avoid defending yourself by proclaiming innocence, or rightness, or by attacking and blaming the other person.  This escalates a confrontation. Instead, ask for more information, details, and examples. There is usually some basis for the other person’s complaint and these questions can lead to a better understanding of what the issue is.
  • Give/Ask for specifics. When you or the other party has complaints, ask for (or give) specific examples so you can both get greater clarity.
  • Find points of agreement. Usually, a conflict has points of agreement.  Seek places where your needs match the needs of the other person. Finding common ground, even if it’s simply agreeing that there is a problem, can contribute to a solution.
  • Consider many options. Invite collaboration and resolution by offering and asking politely for suggestions and alternatives. Carefully consider each suggestion and be open to trying an approach you might not have previously considered. 

And remember, with any important relationship, conflict resolution is not about winning. It’s about taking care of you while seeking solutions that meet needs for all involved parties. Take a deep breath - and good luck

 

*Quotation from Oprah Winfrey's 21-Day Relationship Meditation Challenge document Day 16.

 

Tags: relationship, heart, collaboration, compassion, curiosity, clarity, love, free, conflict resolution, meditation, Oprah Winfrey, avoid escalation, mindfulness, stressful, Tips, teleseminar, Deepak Chopra, resentful, happiness, resolution, fulfillment, emotion

Successful New Year’s Resolutions Start with Clarity

Posted by Catherine Saar on Fri, Dec 28, 2012 @ 07:23 AM
Clarity

Success is not an accident.  In a survey of thousands of successful people, the top 10 percent most successful said that they thought about their dream all the time, and took steps daily to make it happen.  After all, can you get somewhere if you don’t know where you’re going?  Having a clear vision and clear goals is essential to your journey.

Take a moment and think about something you’ve accomplished in your life that makes you feel good and proud.

How did you make it happen?          

My guess is that for most of you, it started with an intention or an idea. Chances are, you accomplished your goal because you knew what you wanted, and why you wanted it.  Whatever it was, whether it was losing weight, writing a book, or starting a business, it probably started with a desire and the motivation to achieve your dream, your vision.

So what dream have you yet to realize? In an article by author Bronnie Ware,  a nurse who worked with patients during the last three to twelve weeks of their lives, she documented what those patients regretted. The most common regret she heard was, “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”  

Isn’t that interesting? She found that when people neared the end of life, it was easy for them to see how many of their dreams had gone unfulfilled.

What a shame! But not a surprise.

Many things can hold us back from pursuing our dreams. In my coaching practice, I encounter all kinds of dreamers: those who have given up on their dreams, those who can’t remember what their dreams are, and those who can’t get motivated or get past the fear that they won’t be able to  make their dreams come true.

So while there can be many issues, the very first step in fulfillment is clear vision.  Mark Twain summed it up when he said, “I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me …what they want.”

I suggest you take the very first step on the path toward living your best life by getting clear on what you truly want.   When your dreams come from your heart, and not from your head, your motivation provides fuel that will help you to see your dreams through to completion. When your heart is in the game, you will find a way to prevail.

If you struggle with this first step, here’s a fun exercise to get you started back on track. Can you complete the following statements?

1)      If I didn’t care what people thought I would _____________.

2)      If I were sure that I’d succeed, I would ______________.

3)      If I weren’t worried about the future, I would ____________________.

4)      The thing that has to change now is _________________________.

These four statements may begin to give you a clue of what’s really important to you.  If you find these statements difficult to answer, maybe you’ve lost touch with your dreams.  In that case, start paying attention. Notice what things get you excited about life; if you can’t find anything, start looking back into your past.  When was there a time that you felt inspired and excited?  What were you doing?  Excitement that you felt in the past can give you some great insight into what you might want to do next to get dreaming again.

Knowing your heart’s desire is only a first step, but it is a critical one. If you struggle with any part of this work, think about getting some additional support.  There is a free worksheet you can download off this site called Smart Resolution Success that gives you more guidance.  I also offer a complimentary 30-minute coaching consultation to get you started on your way.  Clients usually find that once they get clear about their dreams, it’s much easier to put together a project plan to bring them to fruition.  If you’re interested, contact me on this site, or e-mail cat@theprojectcoach.com.

I leave you with this thought from Henry David Thoreau, "If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours."

Happy New Year!  I wish you much success in all you dream, and all you do.


Tags: coaching, heart, clarity, success, change, intention, losing weight, writing a book, complimentary, consultation, dream, succeed, motivation, fear, accomplished, Bronnie Ware, common regret, live a life true to myself, Mark Twain, worried, future, New Years Resolutions, vision, goals, starting a business, courage, inspired, Henry David Thoreau

Five Paths Back to Your Authentic Self

Posted by Catherine Saar on Thu, Mar 08, 2012 @ 11:01 AM

homepageiStock 000011612569SmallbutterflyHave you ever noticed that when you are doing what you love, you feel peaceful, clear and alive? You feel like you have energy to go on for hours without tiring and you can’t wait to do it again.  In these moments, you are aligned in body, spirit and mind.  All is well with the world.

On the other hand, when you’re not excited about getting out of bed in the morning or you find yourself exhausted all the time, check in.   If nothing seems good enough, is it because you are spending all your energy keeping up appearances to fit into other’s expectations?  Are you possibly living by your own faulty assumptions and expectations about what your life “should be”?

Listen for the whisper of your authentic self.  When you engage in activities that please your parent(s), your lover or someone other than you, chances are, you are not honoring your truth.    The funny thing about that is that your truth won’t leave you alone.  It pushes on you, often in some subconscious way, creating stress and fogginess.  Sometimes you may even create bad habits like overeating or engaging in substance abuse to better ignore that small voice nagging at you, trying to tell you,  ‘something is not right here.’

We are often afraid to hear what our inner voice has to say.  There may be guilt, anger, conflict and ultimately, a need to take corrective action if we are courageous enough to allow ourselves to pay attention. But that voice is your friend.  It is the voice that wants you to experience the joy of aligning to your life purpose.  Like a good friend, it will keep nagging you to do the right thing for you.  

I won’t kid you.  If you’re not in the habit of honoring your authentic self, it can be a challenging journey to acknowledge who you are.  You may disappoint some people in your life.  You may leave some others behind.  You may need to start a new career.  It can be scary – BUT, the place it will lead you - back to yourself - will be incredibly meaningful and empowering.   

If you aren’t sure where or how to start to listen to your inner voice, here are some of my favorite resources and ideas to get you started:

1) Start a mindfulness or a meditation practice of your choice.  Any mindfulness practice will put you back in touch with yourself.  There are tons of resources online – and practices come in many flavors.  Explore and experiment. 

2) Create space and time in your life to do more of the things you love.  Take 30 minutes a day (or more) to do something for you.

3) Find a book to guide you.  Here are some of my favorites:  

4) Work with a coach.  Individual or group coaching can be useful if you want a partner to help support and guide you toward clarity about your authentic path.  (More on this)

5) Work with a therapist.  Therapy may be extremely beneficial for certain situations.  If you have experienced trauma, or face serious emotional issues or medical conditions, including anxiety and depression, working with a psychotherapist may be an important first step to finding your way.

Once you find your personal truth and accept who you are and what you value as being good and worthwhile, you can begin to make choices that lead you to more joy.  Take a breath and listen.  Know that you are worth it.

Interested in a complimentary 30-minute coaching consultation?  Call me at 781-237-3420 or send me an e-mail at cat@theprojectcoach.com  to find out how you can clarify your goals and make your dreams come true.

Tags: coaching, clarity, conflict, peaceful, spirit, expectations, your truth, substance abuse, guilt, courageous, empowering, explore, Martha Beck, Barbara Sher, body, doing what you love, clear, aligned, mind, keeping up appearances, authentic self, overeating, afraid, meditation, things you love, The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron, choices, make your dreams come true, inner voice, coach, goals, energy, exhausted, stress, bad habits, anger, life purpose, new career, meaningful, mindfulness, experiment, The Joy Diet, I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was, trauma, emotional issues, complimentary coaching session, passion, creativity, therapy, breath, worth

Leading to the Next Best Step

Posted by Catherine Saar on Wed, Oct 05, 2011 @ 09:01 AM

humandecisionsiStock 000009025242XSmallI love Seth Godin’s October 2 blog post, that says, “What you do next is the most important decision in your career (or even your day). … With so many opportunities and so many constraints, successfully picking what to do next is your moment of highest leverage. It deserves more time and attention than most people give it.”

I couldn’t agree more. Since your time and energy are limited resources, how you choose to spend those assets will ultimately determine the course of your life.  What Godin doesn’t say, is how one decides to make the “right” choice of what to do next.

I believe that clarity is key to making the right decision.  Are you clear on what you want and why you want it?  What is true north for you? Acknowledging what you need and want is the first step toward getting your desires met.

Other questions to consider: Is your vision specific or general? Do you want to “make more money?” or do you want to “earn 30% more in the next year?”  Are your plans based on well-grounded assumptions, fact based evidence and instinct? Has the environment changed, or have you gathered new information that makes what you thought you wanted no longer the right fit for you or your company?  The lesson? Be open to new information; incorporate it into your plan if necessary.

To lead yourself and others, having a vision of your endgame is important.  If you can get clear about where you want to go and why, you can make a good decision about what to do next.

Remember what logician Lewis Carroll said, “If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.”

Tags: Lewis Carroll, clarity, assets, career, right decision, Seth Godin, right choice, lead, leading, endgame, time and energy, vision