Project U. Blog

Conflict with someone you care about (or have to work with), can make the stakes for satisfactory resolution very high. How you handle the situation affects not only how you feel about yourself, but also how the other person feels about you. Swallowing your needs may lead to resentment.  Lashing out may damage the relationship.

So how do you speak up for yourself, listen to the other person, and manage to keep an openhearted connection when you are in the middle of a heated disagreement?

Deepak Chopra says that through mindfulness, we can begin to develop ”the ability to calmly and objectively observe a situation, acknowledge when we are being triggered and choose how we want to respond. Instead of feeling stuck in knee jerk reactions and conditioned patterns of behavior, we free ourselves to make choices that will help us fulfill our deepest desires for love, fulfillment and happiness.”*

That really resonates for me. There are several mindfulness practices, including self-empathy that help me to consult my heart before acting on emotion.  In so doing, I get the chance to express myself with compassion– for myself - as well as for the other person, rather than responding out of anger, guilt or fear.

Following this path doesn’t mean giving up on what you want.  It also doesn’t mean ignoring the needs and wants of the other person either. Considering both sets of needs is important when you care about the relationship.

At times when it seems easier to clam up or lash out, consider whether either of those actions will deliver a peaceful, satisfying result. When the answer is no, investing the energy to calmly engage can be worthwhile.  Once committed, here are some tips that can help guide you through a connected interaction:

• Take time to self assess. A deep breath and a brief time-out may enable you to connect with your feelings and needs. Sometimes saying, “This issue is clearly very important, and I really want to talk about it with you. Can you give me a minute to get my thoughts together?” may be just what you need to center yourself.
• Focus on the issue, not the person. Avoid name-calling and personal attacks to reduce the likelihood of hurt feelings.
• Acknowledge feelings. Respectfully listen and acknowledge the person’s feelings, either verbally or by giving them undivided attention. Be careful not to tell someone that he or she “shouldn’t” feel a certain way. Also try saving your point of view until after the other person knows that you understand how intensely they feel about the issue, even if you don’t agree with their point of view.
• Try curiosity not defensiveness. Avoid defending yourself by proclaiming innocence, or rightness, or by attacking and blaming the other person.  This escalates a confrontation. Instead, ask for more information, details, and examples. There is usually some basis for the other person’s complaint and these questions can lead to a better understanding of what the issue is.
• Give/Ask for specifics. When you or the other party has complaints, ask for (or give) specific examples so you can both get greater clarity.
• Find points of agreement. Usually, a conflict has points of agreement.  Seek places where your needs match the needs of the other person. Finding common ground, even if it’s simply agreeing that there is a problem, can contribute to a solution.
• Consider many options. Invite collaboration and resolution by offering and asking politely for suggestions and alternatives. Carefully consider each suggestion and be open to trying an approach you might not have previously considered. 

And remember, with any important relationship, conflict resolution is not about winning. It’s about taking care of you while seeking solutions that meet needs for all involved parties. Take a deep breath - and good luck

*Quotation from Oprah Winfrey's 21-Day Relationship Meditation Challenge document Day 16.

I was recently sharing a story about three successive relationship changes I’d experienced when my friend observed that in fact, it seemed that each time I engaged, I learned more about what it is that I really want. I was instantly reminded of the wisdom of Goldilocks and how much I enjoy the first part of her story. 

If you recall, in the opening sequences, Goldilocks figures out how she is feeling (hungry and tired) and looks to meet her needs.  To do so, she goes exploring and finds an empty house that offers various options.  She tries a little of each option, only to discover that there is one solution that works better for her than the others. Specifically, while one of the porridges is too hot, the other, too cold - there is one that is just right.

Isn’t that true about life?  We don’t always know exactly what will meet our needs, so we may need to try a few different things to figure out what is just right for us.  I love that idea.  First we have to see how we feel, decide what that tells us about what we want and then we begin to research how we might fulfill our desires to create a life we love. 

Instead of considering the things we try (and decide not to stick with) as wasted time, perhaps we can see them as critical steps along a path that informs us about our “right” path.  Maybe that is why many second marriages or second careers can be more fulfilling than the first.  It takes time to know who we are and what we want.  Not only that, but our feelings and needs may also change over time.  That requires us to engage in exploration many times over our lifetime in a variety of ways in order to determine where we want to go next.  In short, experimenting and starting over, is a proven method for informed, creative life-long problem solving.

The places that the Goldilocks’ story breaks down for me, is the second half AND where she invades someone else’s belongings to get what she needs.  There are endless opportunities for self-discovery that don’t involve coveting or destroying that which supports others. 

So while the tale of Goldilocks’ wanderings offers some great insights, it could use a rewrite.

Why ruin the beautiful lesson about the value of exploration by intimating that our personal journey must disturb or even destroy someone else’s environment?  When we explore, we don’t necessarily break other people things or use up all of their resources. In fact, many of our explorations benefit others and help them along their path of discovery.  Rather than focusing our inner stories on punishment and shame because we might mess up someone else’s stuff, let’s focus on the benefits of searching for what fits us best.

One of the privileges of growing up is that we get to author our own stories.  So, let’s figure out how to explore in ways that add to the lives of others.  Believing that trying things out will result in punishment is simply a children’s story; one that is desperately in need of a rewrite.

As a career and wellness coach, I talk to clients all the time who want to feel happier and more successful in their lives.  Maybe they have to pick a college, a job, or decide whether to stay in a relationship.   Most of the time, they start from the outside and try to force fit themselves into something they aren’t good at or they don’t enjoy. They do it for the money, or to please mom or dad or to avoid being weird.  Often, they choose organizations that aren’t supportive of them, or surround themselves with people that don’t or can’t appreciate them for who they are.   If any of this sounds familiar, (about you or someone you know) then here are five suggestions to consider:

1) Know who you are.

Get clarity about what you are good at, and also about what do you love to do. Consider all your skills and love.  None of them are too small or too insignificant to count. Figure out if, or where those characteristics overlap.  Maybe they don’t. On the other hand, how might you include both in your life?  Could you put them together in a new and different way to invent something unusual? For example, maybe you are a skilled accountant and love listening to music, could you become an accountant for a radio station, a band or a performing arts organization?

2) Embrace and enhance your talents.

Once you know what you are good at, realize that it is not an accident. You are a unique expression of creativity in the universe. You have gifts.  You have a style. Go with it.  If you are a writer, write.  A great caregiver? Give care. A maker? Make. A teacher? Teach.  A good listener?  Listen.  Don’t fight it – appreciate it.  Whatever you have to offer, I assure you, it is worthwhile. And, like a garden, if you tend to it, it will blossom into something beautiful that will bring joy to you and to others.

3) Invest Yourself in opportunities (and people) that fit with your special and unique gifts.

Success is all about “fit.”  Find jobs, causes, people and/or organizations that will benefit from your skills and gifts.  Seek to spend time with people and causes that you believe in. Go to them and offer your gifts.  Develop your talents; hone them and make them grow.  Even if what you choose is not your primary money making endeavor, invest time and energy because it will feed your soul.  Wherever possible, surround yourself with people who appreciate you. Find a tribe. Even a single supportive friend or a pet can be enough companionship to give you the courage to align your life with your spirit.  Commit to spending way less time with people who don’t encourage and support you.

4) Accept that learning is continuous.

Just because you are following your heart and taking care of yourself, doesn’t mean that everything will go smoothly.  This is life.  Things go wrong; circumstances change.  Maybe you thought you really wanted to organize projects – so you took a desk job - and then found out that you are miserable unless you are doing lots of physical activity.  It’s okay!  It’s just new information. Go back to step one and two and then back to step three.  Get creative. Don’t beat yourself up.  No need for regret.  Do what you need to do.  Ask for support.  Life is a journey; death is a destination.

5) Change it up as needed.

Making change can be difficult. As a human, you will likely only choose to change once the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing. No matter.  Once you are ready to make a change, go for it.  Try something new.  Look for the best fit – whether it’s a college, a relationship, a home or a job.  It’s your life.  It’s your happiness.  Don’t squander any of it.  Find a place that you can land and that feels like home.  It may be challenging, but it will be worth it.  Your real job in this life is to be yourself and to have fun doing it.  Start by acknowledging your gifts and by loving who you are.

It is a quiet, rainy Saturday morning in Boston after a surreal week of explosions, lock downs and manhunts. In just a few short days, we have mourned the loss of innocence on what started as a celebratory day, grieved the senseless suffering of those killed and wounded in vicious violence and started taking steps to closure by capturing the perpetrators, so we can ask, “Why?”

Meanwhile, having spent a day alone in my home, (asked by authorities not to venture outside), I had time to wonder, “How can I protect myself and the people I love from this kind of pain and suffering in the future?”

Sadly, I cannot.  And I also will not live in constant fear and anger.  What kind of life would that be?

So what is the answer? How can we feel safe and happy when there is no guarantee against affliction, danger, illness, financial ruin, betrayal and unkindness?

I knew that I had found my truth when my answer resulted in a sense of overwhelming calm and safety: I can be a peaceful warrior in my own life. I can trust that whatever comes my way, (and something usually does) I can handle it.  I will find the strength and the help I need to carry-on. I will do the best I can.  Maybe it won’t be what I hoped for, but it will be enough. 

To that end, it occurred to me that feeling capable was only the first step.  If I want to increase the likelihood of triumph, I would have to prepare.  Just like an athlete, a warrior must train to be battle-ready.   So I developed a plan. I call it:

“WILL OF THE WARRIOR”

1. I will honor my physical body by eating well, resting, getting exercise and making good decisions about what I do with it and where I put it.

2. I will feel my emotions and release them.  I will not necessarily act on every one, but will use them as information to help me understand what I want and what I need, seeking productive ways to communicate clearly and interact with others.

3. I will consider other’s needs as no more or no less important than my own when creating solutions to shared problems.

4. I will take responsibility for my own life and not try to run the lives of others, or to manipulate outcomes.

5. I will do my best to bring my best to every situation.

6. I will live honestly and with integrity. 

7. I will keep my promises and not make promises that I know I can’t keep.

8. I will take responsibility and seek to make amends when I make a mistake or commit a wrong-doing.

9. I will treat myself and others with kindness and respect.  I will do this even if they do not reciprocate, simply because that is how I want to be in the world.

10. I will focus on what I have, not what I don’t have.  I will take time to be grateful every day for the love, the beauty and the freedom that is available to me in my life.

11. I will seek to clarify, understand, and avoid judging myself and others, and in so-doing, eliminate the habit of blaming, labeling or shaming myself and others.

12. I will seek to live in this moment and not dwell in the past, which is done, nor in the future, which is yet to come.

13. I will do my share to help others to learn the joy and challenge of taking care of themselves and managing their own lives.

14. I will take right action and give up my attachment to outcome.

15. I will do my best to cultivate love and kindness toward myself and others, and when I feel I cannot, I will ask myself, why not?

My fellow warriors, what will you do?

Is your holiday to-do list growing out of proportion?  In addition to everything else you normally do, you’ve probably strapped on parties, family gatherings, gift and card giving and some travel.  Who has time for all of that? It sounds exhausting!

Here’s an easy tool to help you get through it all while remaining master of your universe.

Simply apply the three B’s to your to-do list.  What are they? 

Better, Barter or Bag It!

Here’s how it works:

Better it:  You have an obligation that you are not looking forward to.  How might you make it better?  For example, if you’re going to visit the family members that you love, but who drive you crazy, can you limit the length of time you spend with them?  Could  you stay at a hotel or a friend’s house rather than sleeping over? Hate air travel?  Perhaps you can indulge yourself with a fabulous book, movie, or some other entertainment that turns your time into a mini-vacation. What about making that party a potluck instead of doing it all yourself?  Brainstorm! There are countless solutions and improvements you can find to make things better.

Barter it:  If there are items on your to-do list that you are not good at, or that you don’t enjoy doing, can you trade with someone else?  Perhaps you can pay someone to do the dreaded task (the teenager down the block can help hang the outdoor lights) or maybe you can swap with a friend or family member: “I’ll wrap your presents if you put the lights on the tree.” 

Bag it: If all else fails and you’re running out of steam, ask yourself, can you eliminate some items altogether?  Maybe your holiday cards become New Years cards that get written and mailed on January 1.  Or perhaps, you don’t need to host a 12-course meal for 50 people. 

The key to all of this is to keep doing the things you love and toss out or reinvent the things that you don’t – especially if they don’t matter as much – or at all.    It may feel a little odd at first.  You may even disappoint or bewilder a few people in your life when you start to balance self-care with doing it all. But just imagine, if you can de-stress and enjoy your holidays a little more, how worthwhile that could be. 

My guess is that your friends and family will enjoy you more too if you are more relaxed.  After all, it’s not what you do, but who you show up as - that matters most.

Happy Holidays!