Project U. Blog

As a career and wellness coach, I talk to clients all the time who want to feel happier and more successful in their lives.  Maybe they have to pick a college, a job, or decide whether to stay in a relationship.   Most of the time, they start from the outside and try to force fit themselves into something they aren’t good at or they don’t enjoy. They do it for the money, or to please mom or dad or to avoid being weird.  Often, they choose organizations that aren’t supportive of them, or surround themselves with people that don’t or can’t appreciate them for who they are.   If any of this sounds familiar, (about you or someone you know) then here are five suggestions to consider:

1) Know who you are.

Get clarity about what you are good at, and also about what do you love to do. Consider all your skills and love.  None of them are too small or too insignificant to count. Figure out if, or where those characteristics overlap.  Maybe they don’t. On the other hand, how might you include both in your life?  Could you put them together in a new and different way to invent something unusual? For example, maybe you are a skilled accountant and love listening to music, could you become an accountant for a radio station, a band or a performing arts organization?

2) Embrace and enhance your talents.

Once you know what you are good at, realize that it is not an accident. You are a unique expression of creativity in the universe. You have gifts.  You have a style. Go with it.  If you are a writer, write.  A great caregiver? Give care. A maker? Make. A teacher? Teach.  A good listener?  Listen.  Don’t fight it – appreciate it.  Whatever you have to offer, I assure you, it is worthwhile. And, like a garden, if you tend to it, it will blossom into something beautiful that will bring joy to you and to others.

3) Invest Yourself in opportunities (and people) that fit with your special and unique gifts.

Success is all about “fit.”  Find jobs, causes, people and/or organizations that will benefit from your skills and gifts.  Seek to spend time with people and causes that you believe in. Go to them and offer your gifts.  Develop your talents; hone them and make them grow.  Even if what you choose is not your primary money making endeavor, invest time and energy because it will feed your soul.  Wherever possible, surround yourself with people who appreciate you. Find a tribe. Even a single supportive friend or a pet can be enough companionship to give you the courage to align your life with your spirit.  Commit to spending way less time with people who don’t encourage and support you.

4) Accept that learning is continuous.

Just because you are following your heart and taking care of yourself, doesn’t mean that everything will go smoothly.  This is life.  Things go wrong; circumstances change.  Maybe you thought you really wanted to organize projects – so you took a desk job - and then found out that you are miserable unless you are doing lots of physical activity.  It’s okay!  It’s just new information. Go back to step one and two and then back to step three.  Get creative. Don’t beat yourself up.  No need for regret.  Do what you need to do.  Ask for support.  Life is a journey; death is a destination.

5) Change it up as needed.

Making change can be difficult. As a human, you will likely only choose to change once the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing. No matter.  Once you are ready to make a change, go for it.  Try something new.  Look for the best fit – whether it’s a college, a relationship, a home or a job.  It’s your life.  It’s your happiness.  Don’t squander any of it.  Find a place that you can land and that feels like home.  It may be challenging, but it will be worth it.  Your real job in this life is to be yourself and to have fun doing it.  Start by acknowledging your gifts and by loving who you are.

As a coach, I often hear, “I want to find my passion.” While some of us clearly know what we are called to do, others of us don’t.  If you are a passion seeker, here’s a clue: Drop the struggle.  Anxiety about passion won’t help you discover it faster.  For most of us, passion does not arrive as an instantaneous inspiration, but rather, it emerges as we learn who we are. 

So instead of obsessing about finding your passion, can you get passionate about exploration?  What’s happening for you now?   If your job is boring, how might you change it?  If you are burnt-out, how might you take better care of yourself?  Figure out what is stopping you.    Know it, taste it, improve it, if needed.  Try new things; be surprised by what you enjoy.  Is it possible to stop focusing on how you want things to be, and start accepting, (or even being in love with) what you are doing right now?   

For me, it’s been like putting together a jigsaw puzzle where I’ve gathered up the pieces over the course of a 35-year treasure hunt.  While part of me wishes I could have known my path sooner, it would not have been possible.  It’s only recently that I’ve gathered up enough puzzle pieces (skills and awareness) to identify the picture that has emerged.

Here are some interesting questions to help you start to consider your life’s path. How many of these can you answer?

• What do you love?

• What are your skills and gifts?

• What do you care about deeply? What moves you to tears? What issues get you angry, absorb you or bring you joy?

• What would you do for work even if you weren’t paid to do it?

• What is essential to your happiness?

• What do you really need?

• How would you describe your essential self?  Are you a problem solver, a poet, an adventurer, a maker, a storyteller, a teacher, a peacemaker, a hermit?  (Tip: Observe your patterns of behavior to get to the answer to this – rather than trying to label yourself with what you would like your essential self to be!)

Your answers to these questions are a clue to your level of self-awareness. For any that you can’t answer, get curious. Can you take a class, try a workshop, enter a contest – or work as a volunteer?  Remember that if something you try doesn’t bring you joy, (or doesn’t fit well with your skills and gifts), you can move on.

Pay attention if any of these questions awaken your inner critic. What conflicts hold you back from doing what you love?  One common issue is money. For example, if you want to be an artist, and you believe you need to earn a six-figure income to keep you afloat, ask yourself, is that absolutely true?  If you are willing to look at what you really need and want, you may find that there are a million possible creative solutions to your dilemma. Could you pursue art as a secondary money making venture?  Can you change your living situation and/or your budget so you can feed your passion until you can earn those six figures? You get the idea. Getting clear on needs and desires allows you to create many choices that can lead you to your right path.

You may also need to get clear on limiting beliefs.  Perhaps you think that following your passion is selfish and that being selfish is bad.  Is that really true?  Explore the assumptions and self-judgments that stop you from realizing your full potential and joy. If this is new to you, check out some of the many available resources, including coaching programs and books like “Loving What Is”, by Byron Katie and “I Could Do Anything if I Only Knew What  It Was” by Barbara Sher.

In short, getting on a path, any path, will take you somewhere.  And somewhere is better than being stuck sitting around lamenting that you don’t know what you want.  Don’t wait for the perfect answer to find you.  Instead, follow your light, follow your bliss.  If an idea sparkles for you, give it a go.  Have faith.  Your life will take care of itself.

Feeling anxious?  One of my favorite authors, Seth Godin wrote this in a blog post:

“Perhaps your anxiety is specific to artists or musicians or to anyone who has to stand up and stand out and stand for something.

It turns out that your anxiety isn't specific at all. Perhaps it is due to the fact that you're trying to control things that you can't possibly control.

Your anxiety might merely be a sign that you care deeply about your work.

Anxiety is almost never a useful emotion to carry around. Even for magicians.

Now that you've been reminded that you care, it pays to let the anxiety go. Good riddance.”

I agree with Godin: anxiety is not useful and it’s good to let it go – but how?  How do you do it?  Three steps that work for me are mindful breathing, gathering information and taking action.  Here’s more:

BREATHE DEEPLY.   Number one, take a deep breath.  Literally.  Breathing deeply is an almost instant pathway to calm.  Simply stop what you are doing and breathe in and out through your nose for 30 seconds to a minute.  Make the length of your inhales equal to the length of your exhales and try to make each one last at least four seconds.

GATHER INFORMATION. Next, take stock of the source of your anxiety.   Get clear about what is troubling you.  Ask yourself to explore the thoughts behind the feeling.  You may need professional help to do that – a coach, a therapist, or perhaps not.  Sometimes a wise, trustworthy friend, a session of journaling, or a favorite inspirational book will do the trick.

TAKE ACTION. Once you understand specifically what’s troubling you, what can you do about it?  You may just need a new perspective.  As Godin mentions, are there things that you have no control over, like how people react or think about you that you can accept? Are you able to make your best effort and leave the results to providence? 

On the other hand, if the source of your anxiety is overwhelm or lack of information - it’s usually helpful to take even one small step to overcome it.  Make a phone call, develop a plan, write in a journal or just decide its okay not to decide about something troubling you.

In short, decide to make a small step, whatever it is (as long as it’s not unhealthy) that will let a little pressure out of the overfilled anxiety balloon in your belly.  

Now, take another set of long inhales and exhales… and sit quietly for a few moments. Start to let your anxiety go – and to quote Godin, “Good riddance.”

It's not hogwash.  There is proof that a positive outlook pays off.  To that end, I loved this list of documented positivity benefits by Jon Gordon, author and coach from his latest newsletter. Find out more about Jon and  his many offerings (including a free tele-seminar) at his site www.JonGordon.com. 

11 Benefits of Being Positive

By Jon Gordon

Over the years I've done a lot of research on the positive effects of being positive and the negative effects of being negative. The research is clear. It really does pay to be positive and the benefits include enhanced health and longevity, happiness, career advancement, athletic performance, team building and financial success. Being positive is not just a nice way to live. It’s the way to live. In this spirit, here are 11 benefits of being positive.

1. Positive People Live Longer - In a study of nuns, those that regularly expressed positive emotions lived on average 10 years longer. (The Nun Study)

2. Positive work environments outperform negative work environments. (Daniel Goleman)

3. Positive, optimistic sales people sell more than pessimistic sales people. (Martin Seligman)

4. Positive leaders are able to make better decisions under pressure. (Heartmath.org)

5. Marriages are much more likely to succeed when the couple experiences a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions whereas when the ratio approaches 1 to 1, marriages are more likely to end in divorce. (John Gottman)

6. Positive people who regularly express positive emotions are more resilient when facing stress, challenges and adversity. (Several Studies)

7. Positive people are able to maintain a broader perspective and see the big picture which helps them identify solutions where as negative people maintain a narrower perspective and tend to focus on problems. (Barbara Fredrickson)

8. Positive thoughts and emotions counter the negative effects of stress. For example, you can't be thankful and stressed at the same time. (Several Studies)

9. Positive emotions such as gratitude and appreciation help athletes perform at a higher level. (Heartmath.org)

10. Positive people have more friends which is a key factor of happiness and longevity. (Robert D. Putnam)

11. Positive and popular leaders are more likely to garner the support of others and receive pay raises and promotions and achieve greater success in the workplace. (Tim Sanders)

Visit Jon's site for more insights and goodies.  BTW, I found item 8, "Positive thoughts and emotions counter the negative effects of stress", the most useful reminder for mastering everyday living.  What resonated for you?

Have you ever noticed that when you are doing what you love, you feel peaceful, clear and alive? You feel like you have energy to go on for hours without tiring and you can’t wait to do it again.  In these moments, you are aligned in body, spirit and mind.  All is well with the world.

On the other hand, when you’re not excited about getting out of bed in the morning or you find yourself exhausted all the time, check in.   If nothing seems good enough, is it because you are spending all your energy keeping up appearances to fit into other’s expectations?  Are you possibly living by your own faulty assumptions and expectations about what your life “should be”?

Listen for the whisper of your authentic self.  When you engage in activities that please your parent(s), your lover or someone other than you, chances are, you are not honoring your truth.    The funny thing about that is that your truth won’t leave you alone.  It pushes on you, often in some subconscious way, creating stress and fogginess.  Sometimes you may even create bad habits like overeating or engaging in substance abuse to better ignore that small voice nagging at you, trying to tell you,  ‘something is not right here.’

We are often afraid to hear what our inner voice has to say.  There may be guilt, anger, conflict and ultimately, a need to take corrective action if we are courageous enough to allow ourselves to pay attention. But that voice is your friend.  It is the voice that wants you to experience the joy of aligning to your life purpose.  Like a good friend, it will keep nagging you to do the right thing for you.  

I won’t kid you.  If you’re not in the habit of honoring your authentic self, it can be a challenging journey to acknowledge who you are.  You may disappoint some people in your life.  You may leave some others behind.  You may need to start a new career.  It can be scary – BUT, the place it will lead you - back to yourself - will be incredibly meaningful and empowering.   

If you aren’t sure where or how to start to listen to your inner voice, here are some of my favorite resources and ideas to get you started:

1) Start a mindfulness or a meditation practice of your choice.  Any mindfulness practice will put you back in touch with yourself.  There are tons of resources online – and practices come in many flavors.  Explore and experiment. 

2) Create space and time in your life to do more of the things you love.  Take 30 minutes a day (or more) to do something for you.

3) Find a book to guide you.  Here are some of my favorites:  

• The Joy Diet, Martha Beck – A 10-step process to bring more joy to your life in every way
  
  
•  I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was, Barbara Sher – My favorite resource for finding your career passion
  
  
• The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron – A classic primer for artists and anyone interested in accessing more creativity in their life

4) Work with a coach.  Individual or group coaching can be useful if you want a partner to help support and guide you toward clarity about your authentic path.  (More on this)

5) Work with a therapist.  Therapy may be extremely beneficial for certain situations.  If you have experienced trauma, or face serious emotional issues or medical conditions, including anxiety and depression, working with a psychotherapist may be an important first step to finding your way.

Once you find your personal truth and accept who you are and what you value as being good and worthwhile, you can begin to make choices that lead you to more joy.  Take a breath and listen.  Know that you are worth it.

Interested in a complimentary 30-minute coaching consultation?  Call me at 781-237-3420 or send me an e-mail at cat@theprojectcoach.com  to find out how you can clarify your goals and make your dreams come true.

A common question I hear from coaching clients is, “Why can’t I make a decision?”   Frequently, the answer is, because you are not ready. Either you need more information or you need to deal with the root cause of what is holding you back – like fear.   Rest assured, you will make a decision when you are ready to make it.  Usually, your gut knows when it’s time, like the gal in my video “Done”.  Often, you will commit to take action once the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of making a change.

For most people who have decided, or who are in the process of deciding whether to make a big change, small steps are a good way to start, especially if the change is a scary one.  For example, if you suddenly want to change your career, you might not want to quit your job until you have done a little research and possibly some preparation.  Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. I hear many stories about people who just up and quit and do very well for themselves, but if you are not one of those personalities, then here’s a process for you to consider:

1) Create a vision of your outcome or goal.  See it in your mind’s eye as if it is already real.  Tap into the feeling of already having what you want: joy, satisfaction, thinness, safety, whatever it is.  Keep that feeling in your pocket. Revisit it from time to time, especially during times when you need motivation.

2) Think through, brainstorm and diagram all the steps you can take to get to your goal.  Consider various options and possibilities.  Try using a mind map,  a vision board or sticky notes…whatever works for you to map out a path.

3) Break each step or item down into small steps, and those down into even smaller steps.

4) Commit to taking consistent action on one or more of your small steps daily or weekly.  If needed, work with a buddy or a coach, and set up accountability for yourself.

5) Keep track of your progress, pat yourself on the back, and adjust your plan as needed.

Before you know it, one small step will lead to another and you will arrive at your envisioned destination.  In short, you are done - until it’s time for your next project!