Project U. Blog

It's no longer early January.  And if you are like 50% of the population, you are beginning to slack off on the goals you set for this year. If so, try these five tips to help get you back on track:

1)   Abandon all or nothing thinking:

Perhaps you planned to workout seven days a week, or you hoped to get a new job by February first  - and now, those goals seem unrealistic. What about revising your plan to be more doable?  So many of us set enormous expectations that set us up for failure.  If we try to do too much too quickly, we can create goals that are very difficult to achieve and to maintain. And when we don’t meet our demanding standards, we give up all together.  Consider instead, that if you are doing even 5% more toward your goal this year versus last year, you will make progress.

What about harnessing the power of small steps to kick-start your journey?  Putting effort into your goal for even 15 minutes once a week is better than doing nothing at all. You can always add incrementally over time if you want to.  Remember the tortoise and the hare?  Slow and steady may be the best way to win your race.

2)   Use Motivation to fuel willpower

Many of us think that if we just had enough willpower, we could move mountains.  What we don’t understand is how to tap into our willpower.  While you may be able to force yourself to do something for a while, if your heart isn’t in it, it’s not going to be sustainable.  Motivation is the key that unlocks our ability to make good choices in difficult moments (aka “willpower”).

If you are seeking motivation, envision what outcome(s) you want for yourself. See yourself in your new body, your new role, or whatever it is that you want.  Imagine how good it will feel to have what you desire.  Visualize it, feel it in your body, and see it in your mind’s eye as if you already have it.  Write it down, or create a vision board, and in some way, visit your hoped-for outcome daily.

With your vision in mind, it will be easier to make better choices. Find one to three things that you can do this week that support your goal.  Make sure you feel at least 80 percent confident that you can get them done. If you don’t feel that confident, make the activities smaller and more achievable until you do.  Then next week, do it again. Check in with yourself.  How’s it going?  Make modifications if needed.

Keep it up.  There are many paths to your desired outcome and most of them won’t be straight lines. When your willpower starts to get shaky, revisit your vision (and perhaps use the next few tips as well)!

3)   Ditch the negative self talk

Beating yourself up may seem to be a handy tactic for staying on track, but in the long-term, it’s demotivating.  And since motivation (and feeling good about yourself) fuels willpower, self-compassion is a better alternative for self-correction. When you are relaxed and feeling like you are on your own team, it is easier to tap into your creative problem-solving ability.  

Try this:  If you “disappoint” yourself in some way, consider talking to yourself as of you were speaking to your best friend.  What would you say?  From that place of understanding and kindness, restore your faith in your ability to accomplish your goals and figure out your next move toward success. 

4)   Celebrate your accomplishments

When you make progress toward your vision, – no matter how small a step, you deserve a virtual self-hug.  It’s important to take a moment to reflect and feel good about what you have done. In fact, give yourself a “HELL YES!” Your celebration doesn’t have to be a big deal, maybe it’s just a moment of reflection  - or even 15 minutes of hard-earned down time.    Small rewards reinforce our positive behaviors and makes manifesting our vision more fun.  They keep us going.

5)   Get honest and face your fears

Last but not least, if you find you just can’t seem to make it happen, get super honest with yourself.  What is really holding you back from your next step?  If you notice that you are frustrated and just can’t make any progress, consider digging more deeply into what fears and beliefs might be getting in the way.

Most of us have old behaviors from childhood that helped us cope with our world.  Now that we are all grown up, many of those old strategies and beliefs don’t work too well any more.  In fact, subconscious patterns can get us stuck in an endless loop that often leaves us feeling helpless. Frequently, those patterns are hard to recognize.  If so, seek support.

There are many resources you can tap into to explore your inner world.  Journaling, coaching, therapy or   “THE WORK” of Byron Katie can get you into motion again.

Whatever you choose to do with this one sweet life, remember, you are here on this earth to contribute in your own unique way.  With patience, perseverance and self-compassion, you can accomplish your dreams.

I have been lamenting my absence from social media of late, as well as my disruption in blogging.   My anxiety level was climbing as my inner voice chanted, “You should be …….  You should do”… and on and on.  Of course then my monkey mind rambled over to the dire consequences that await me:  “You won’t have any friends, you won’t succeed, “ BLAH, BLAH, Blah Blah…"

I was getting angry with myself until I realized that there are only 24 hours in a day, and that I have to spend at least six of them sleeping.

“Shoulding” on yourself is not the way to joy or peace. I have come to believe that one’s true path to success and fulfillment on this planet is to become more aware of who we are; to rediscover everyday what an “inspired” life means for each of us.  It is not something that anyone else can prescribe for you. Only you know what food, what work, what friendships and what pastimes most nurture you and allow you to bring the most joy and love to yourself and therefore, to the world.    And if you or I are not arriving at this place of joy and love, then perhaps we need to ask ourselves, “Why not?”

Having realized that no one else can tell me how to live my “right” life, I have to put my big girl pants on and choose where to focus my energy.  And some of those choices are painful!  Why?  Some behaviors are familiar and comfortable habits so they are hard to let go of (like wanting to be liked) and yet, they no longer serve me. And some are things that I enjoy, like hanging out on social media for hours, leave me insufficient time to pursue my soul’s passions.

Yup, change is challenging, but not embracing my soul’s desires with full engagement feels worse.

I am mourning many of the things that I will give up to get other things, and also celebrating the delights that I receive in so doing.   These choices are becoming more important for me as I enter the second half of my life and I understand with greater clarity that my energy and my time on this earth are not unlimited.

I find I am beginning to appreciate the things I am doing more, and fretting less about the things that I am not.  I am diving deep into my yoga studies and yoga teaching; I am offering NVC practice groups and workshops; I am coaching clients and fulfilling business agreements that bring me great satisfaction.  I have been reading more, exploring a loving relationship and spending more time being mindful.

This feels good.   This is my path.  And I wonder, what is yours?  What do you need to do to create a life that delights you and that serves the world?  If you can’t do everything, what is stopping you from doing what you love?

It’s the busy holiday season, and there are more things on my to-do list than I can accomplish before year- end.  As I say “yes” to the items on my list, I am actually saying “no” to some others.   Whenever I accept an invitation, or take time to return a phone call, whatever I choose, I create my life.

When I commit to one romantic relationship, I essentially say “no” to another.  When I say “yes” to tons of volunteer work and keeping a busy work and social schedule, I may be saying no to rest, exercise or other kinds of self-care.  Sometimes it seems that there is no “right” answer.  I want to do it all.  I want to meet everyone’s needs as well as my own.  So how do you know what to choose?

Some decisions are easier than others.  The tricky ones play my emotions as if they were a musical score to a Broadway show - with joy, sorrow, and a whole range of seemingly conflicting feelings showing up.

For example, when I say no, I sometimes feel grief.  I mourn what I give up, even when I am moving into something that will be more life affirming for me.   My recent divorce is a case in point.   While being divorced has allowed a world of possibility and freedom, I miss some of the predictability and ease of partnership. I am also noticing that holiday planning seemed less complicated back then 

Would I go back? NO.  Do I still feel the sadness of what I have lost and the joy at what I have gained? YES.

WTF?  This is not what Hollywood promised!  How are we able to hold sweetness, joy and sorrow all at the same time? And yet I know in my heart, that in this weird metamorphosis, I am where I need to be, moving in the direction that I need to go.

Because I am a curious human, I sometimes hunger to know the outcome of the choices I did not make.   This is more commonly called  “second guessing.” Other times, I hope to be assured of an outcome before I make a decision.  That is very rarely possible and may lead to getting stuck!

What I’ve finally learned is that I cannot make decisions only with my brain, because it doesn’t have the answer.  It has logic, which often has nothing to do with what I really want in my heart.  And sadly, just trusting emotions is also not reliable, as those fickle friends usually show up in response to what I am thinking and can change with the wind.  

My hard-won insight  (after years of yoga, coaching, and nonviolent communication) is to rely more on the sensations in my body for decision making.  For example, I can notice a sense of relaxation and calm that I feel when I find an answer that suits me best.  It shows up as easier breathing, and lightness behind my eyes. I feel more open. On the other hand, when I am conflicted, I may feel tightness in my belly, my chest and/or my throat.  My eyes feel tired. 

My body is really smart.  It seems to be able to dialogue with my heart and my mind in ways to gather wisdom that heart or mind alone cannot access.  This kind of sensory feedback can take some mindfulness to observe, but it is available if you commit to noticing.  Or, download here; THE BODY COMPASS video that will take you through a simple exercise that can help you create an internal guidance mechanism.

My hope for you is that you can begin to listen carefully and notice what your body says when you say “yes,” or you say “no.”  Take your time, and trust yourself.  Remember, in every moment, you decide how you live your life, and you also get another opportunity to try something different.

Best Wishes for a happy and healthy 2014.

If I had a dime for every self-deprecating thought that passed through my head in this lifetime, I would be rich beyond my wildest dreams. And my hunch is that many of you would be too.  How many times did I think I was wrong, unlovable, dumb, lacking talent, and just not good enough?

What’s up with that?  Sure we make mistakes and we’re not perfect.  But who is?  In fact, for the most part, we are good, decent people who wish to contribute to each other in meaningful ways.

So why are we so capable at beating ourselves up with negative talk?

Having spent much of my life seeking equanimity, I found this simple truth:

There is nothing “defective” or “flawed” about me  - or you!  

Rather, we are addicted to “stinking thinking!” Over the years, we’ve developed negative thinking patterns that inform our feelings, which in turn, motivate much of our behavior. 

 This is usually how it goes: thoughts lead to feelings, feelings lead to behaviors and behaviors lead to consequences.   Consequences typically reinforce the thoughts that lead to feelings. And the cycle begins again.

We didn’t get here alone.  We’ve had lots of help forming negative thoughts. Parents, family, media, and even teachers were among the many misinformed who helped us to develop ideas like “I’m not good enough” or “I should be different than who I was born to be.”   Of course blaming others doesn’t solve anything, nor does passively awaiting rescue while we lick our wounds.  What does help? Mindful awareness and curiosity.  Can you stop judging yourself and wonder instead, “Why am I thinking this way?  What do I really want?”

In short, the key is awareness and shifting perspective.  Next time you notice a negative thought, can you question its validity and then reframe it?  Generally, if you dig around, you will uncover a positive or protective desire underneath the feelings that lead to your behaviors. Once you know that, you can strategize how to better meet your needs.

 Here are a few examples:

• When you think you didn’t do enough, maybe it’s because you truly have a desire to contribute and want reassurance that you are contributing sufficiently.  How might you get that reassurance in a more productive way, rather than berating yourself? 

• When you decide to react negatively to your partner, are you feeling scared that he or she doesn’t love you or understand you?  Is it possible that you want to protect yourself and that when you said the wrong thing; maybe you just wanted to be heard or seen for who you really are?  Could you have had that discussion in a different way without blaming him or her or yourself?

Translated, can you appreciate and acknowledge the good in you?  Know that it is there.  Most of us are just trying to do our best, as tender, vulnerable human beings.  We are afraid of being hurt, or hurting others, of not being or doing enough, or maybe doing or being too much. Very few of us wake up and think “I want to do a crappy job today”, or “I want to act like a jerk.” 

Can you begin to tease out the positive longings behind your negative feelings and behaviors? Can you name them with honesty and kindness for yourself and others?  And maybe handle situations that arise in a more life affirming and productive way?

I can’t say that you can change this overnight, but just becoming aware of the possibility can start you on a path to joyful change.  There are also lots of resources for healing and personal growth, including mindfulness practices, nonviolent communication, coaching and a host of therapeutic techniques.  As you embark on this process, you can begin to alter neural pathways – and that means that behavior change can become progressively easier.

I wish you much joy, peace, and success!  Here are some resources for you to explore on your journey to self-acceptance and self-realization:

Finding Your Own North Star, by Martha Beck

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

What Happy People Know by Dan Baker  

The Work of Byron Katie

Mediate Your Life