Project U. Blog

If I had a dime for every self-deprecating thought that passed through my head in this lifetime, I would be rich beyond my wildest dreams. And my hunch is that many of you would be too.  How many times did I think I was wrong, unlovable, dumb, lacking talent, and just not good enough?

What’s up with that?  Sure we make mistakes and we’re not perfect.  But who is?  In fact, for the most part, we are good, decent people who wish to contribute to each other in meaningful ways.

So why are we so capable at beating ourselves up with negative talk?

Having spent much of my life seeking equanimity, I found this simple truth:

There is nothing “defective” or “flawed” about me  - or you!  

Rather, we are addicted to “stinking thinking!” Over the years, we’ve developed negative thinking patterns that inform our feelings, which in turn, motivate much of our behavior. 

 This is usually how it goes: thoughts lead to feelings, feelings lead to behaviors and behaviors lead to consequences.   Consequences typically reinforce the thoughts that lead to feelings. And the cycle begins again.

We didn’t get here alone.  We’ve had lots of help forming negative thoughts. Parents, family, media, and even teachers were among the many misinformed who helped us to develop ideas like “I’m not good enough” or “I should be different than who I was born to be.”   Of course blaming others doesn’t solve anything, nor does passively awaiting rescue while we lick our wounds.  What does help? Mindful awareness and curiosity.  Can you stop judging yourself and wonder instead, “Why am I thinking this way?  What do I really want?”

In short, the key is awareness and shifting perspective.  Next time you notice a negative thought, can you question its validity and then reframe it?  Generally, if you dig around, you will uncover a positive or protective desire underneath the feelings that lead to your behaviors. Once you know that, you can strategize how to better meet your needs.

 Here are a few examples:

• When you think you didn’t do enough, maybe it’s because you truly have a desire to contribute and want reassurance that you are contributing sufficiently.  How might you get that reassurance in a more productive way, rather than berating yourself? 

• When you decide to react negatively to your partner, are you feeling scared that he or she doesn’t love you or understand you?  Is it possible that you want to protect yourself and that when you said the wrong thing; maybe you just wanted to be heard or seen for who you really are?  Could you have had that discussion in a different way without blaming him or her or yourself?

Translated, can you appreciate and acknowledge the good in you?  Know that it is there.  Most of us are just trying to do our best, as tender, vulnerable human beings.  We are afraid of being hurt, or hurting others, of not being or doing enough, or maybe doing or being too much. Very few of us wake up and think “I want to do a crappy job today”, or “I want to act like a jerk.” 

Can you begin to tease out the positive longings behind your negative feelings and behaviors? Can you name them with honesty and kindness for yourself and others?  And maybe handle situations that arise in a more life affirming and productive way?

I can’t say that you can change this overnight, but just becoming aware of the possibility can start you on a path to joyful change.  There are also lots of resources for healing and personal growth, including mindfulness practices, nonviolent communication, coaching and a host of therapeutic techniques.  As you embark on this process, you can begin to alter neural pathways – and that means that behavior change can become progressively easier.

I wish you much joy, peace, and success!  Here are some resources for you to explore on your journey to self-acceptance and self-realization:

Finding Your Own North Star, by Martha Beck

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

What Happy People Know by Dan Baker  

The Work of Byron Katie

Mediate Your Life

Early in my career, one of my bosses said, “Remember Catherine, the people you work with are not your friends.”  The irony of that is that she and I have been close friends for almost 20 years now!  And, although you can and will make great friendships at work, I have come to better understand the wisdom of her words over the years.

As we all know, much of our life is spent at work.  So, if we can’t be friendly with our coworkers, life could get pretty dull. Not only that, but getting things done at work often requires teamwork.  So, how to relate with coworkers on a personal basis takes some thought.  After all, at work, others judge your performance. You are paid to support the organization and its success, not to build a network of friends.  Luckily, one often can do both. From your employer’s perspective, you are being assessed on your ability to improve results and get along with others. So how can you enjoy friendships and still maintain a professional demeanor?

Remember, at work, its business first. While you want to enjoy your coworkers, each of you has a work agenda and you may not always agree.  Often, it’s not a problem when you and your coworker’s agendas match up, but inevitably, your agenda will be at cross-purposes with someone else’s at the workplace.  It may not always be fair or fun, but in life, that’s how it goes. 

So, here are some tips for navigating the world of workplace friendships.  (I’ve included some ideas from a blog post by career expert Heather R. Huhman on Glassdoor.com since her article inspired me to write on this topic. Check it out!)

• Strive to work well with others:  Treat people with respect, negotiate in good faith, deliver on your promises and avoid surprises. In short, act with integrity. It engenders trust.  Feel free to share some laughs, but don’t forget why you are at work.  This is business and today’s ally may be tomorrow’s competitor. 

• Remain appropriate and professional. Be mindful of what you share about your personal life with your co-workers. There is a reason that the expression “TMI”, (aka “too much information”) was invented. Are you sharing something about yourself that a coworker really needs to know?  Will it make their day or their workweek better and/or improve your working relationship? If not, you may want to keep it to yourself.

• Get your work done and do it well.  Remember why you were hired. You have deadlines for a reason, so don’t get distracted and spend all your productive hours socializing.

• Watch your language. Don’t gossip and speak badly about other workers. Keep conversations positive to help boost workplace morale. This guideline may also limit your downside when and if your coworker is not as resistant to spreading gossip as you are.

• Set boundaries in direct reporting relationships. A friendship with your boss or your subordinate can be warm and fun, as long as it is respectful and appropriate.  Remember, at some point, you will have either to receive or give a performance evaluation. Don’t set yourself up for an uncomfortable situation.

• Be a good communicator.  Many conflicts arise because of poor communication.   We all want to believe we will never be involved in a workplace conflict, but that’s not realistic. When conflicts arise, handle them maturely.  Focus on issues and behaviors and don’t get personal.  Use effective communication tools and do your best to work things out.   Consider the long-term results of any disagreement. You probably don’t want to ruin a friendship, a good working relationship or get yourself fired.

• Have lunch together. Having lunch with coworkers allows you time to be more personal without compromising productivity. From time to time, dinner may also be appropriate; however, I believe that any after hour meeting are optional.  Use your best judgment as to how much time you want to spend with coworkers outside of the office - that time is yours.

To read the Heather R. Huhman’s blogpost that inspired and contributed to this discussion, check it out on Glassdoor.com  at  http://www.glassdoor.com/blog/guide-workplace-friendships/#disqus_thread

Good luck and may you enjoy a hassle free and friendly work environment.