Project U. Blog

Conflict with someone you care about (or have to work with), can make the stakes for satisfactory resolution very high. How you handle the situation affects not only how you feel about yourself, but also how the other person feels about you. Swallowing your needs may lead to resentment.  Lashing out may damage the relationship.

So how do you speak up for yourself, listen to the other person, and manage to keep an openhearted connection when you are in the middle of a heated disagreement?

Deepak Chopra says that through mindfulness, we can begin to develop ”the ability to calmly and objectively observe a situation, acknowledge when we are being triggered and choose how we want to respond. Instead of feeling stuck in knee jerk reactions and conditioned patterns of behavior, we free ourselves to make choices that will help us fulfill our deepest desires for love, fulfillment and happiness.”*

That really resonates for me. There are several mindfulness practices, including self-empathy that help me to consult my heart before acting on emotion.  In so doing, I get the chance to express myself with compassion– for myself - as well as for the other person, rather than responding out of anger, guilt or fear.

Following this path doesn’t mean giving up on what you want.  It also doesn’t mean ignoring the needs and wants of the other person either. Considering both sets of needs is important when you care about the relationship.

At times when it seems easier to clam up or lash out, consider whether either of those actions will deliver a peaceful, satisfying result. When the answer is no, investing the energy to calmly engage can be worthwhile.  Once committed, here are some tips that can help guide you through a connected interaction:

• Take time to self assess. A deep breath and a brief time-out may enable you to connect with your feelings and needs. Sometimes saying, “This issue is clearly very important, and I really want to talk about it with you. Can you give me a minute to get my thoughts together?” may be just what you need to center yourself.
• Focus on the issue, not the person. Avoid name-calling and personal attacks to reduce the likelihood of hurt feelings.
• Acknowledge feelings. Respectfully listen and acknowledge the person’s feelings, either verbally or by giving them undivided attention. Be careful not to tell someone that he or she “shouldn’t” feel a certain way. Also try saving your point of view until after the other person knows that you understand how intensely they feel about the issue, even if you don’t agree with their point of view.
• Try curiosity not defensiveness. Avoid defending yourself by proclaiming innocence, or rightness, or by attacking and blaming the other person.  This escalates a confrontation. Instead, ask for more information, details, and examples. There is usually some basis for the other person’s complaint and these questions can lead to a better understanding of what the issue is.
• Give/Ask for specifics. When you or the other party has complaints, ask for (or give) specific examples so you can both get greater clarity.
• Find points of agreement. Usually, a conflict has points of agreement.  Seek places where your needs match the needs of the other person. Finding common ground, even if it’s simply agreeing that there is a problem, can contribute to a solution.
• Consider many options. Invite collaboration and resolution by offering and asking politely for suggestions and alternatives. Carefully consider each suggestion and be open to trying an approach you might not have previously considered. 

And remember, with any important relationship, conflict resolution is not about winning. It’s about taking care of you while seeking solutions that meet needs for all involved parties. Take a deep breath - and good luck

*Quotation from Oprah Winfrey's 21-Day Relationship Meditation Challenge document Day 16.

How can you continue to be a strong candidate for employment even when you’ve been out of work for a long time?  New York Times columnist Eileen Zimmerman interviewed several employment consultants and experts to give us some great ideas. Here’s a summary of her main points, or check out the full article here: 

1) Keep current with what’s happening in your industry.

• Maintain memberships in relevant industry associations and consider volunteering on related committees.

• Find ways to give back to the people in your network who are helping you – by sharing relevant articles or knowledge about professional opportunities so that your relationships remain two-sided and win-win.

2) Maintain professional certifications, credentials and licenses and involve yourself
     in activities that use your professional skills.

• Take temporary or part-time work in your industry if possible, or do unpaid volunteer work for nonprofits or charitable organizations to make sure you to stay up-to-date professionally.

• Consider starting your own consulting firm and landing at least a few jobs (large or small) that you can add to your resume and discuss during interviews.

3) Don’t try to hide gaps on your resume, but do emphasize the positive.  

• While reorganizing your resume in an attempt to hide gaps won’t fool anyone, some tactics will help to accentuate the positive.  For example, using a “Skills Summary” to lead off the resume rather than “Experience” may reduce visual focus on date gaps.

• Change the header “Work Experience” to “Experience” so it is easier to include volunteer work as well as paid gigs (clarifying which is which) on your resume. 

• Quantify results and show how you contributed to the growth and success of an organization, regardless of whether the work was volunteer or paid.

4) Be straightforward about the loss of previous employment.

• When interviewing, be ready to share the story of your job loss, regardless of whether your previous position wasn’t a good fit anymore, or if it was a layoff. Frame the situation in the best light possible without being dishonest.   Remember that fudging the truth and getting caught would not bode well for you.

5) Be specific about the position you are applying for during an interview.

• To avoid looking like someone who doesn’t know what they want, be clear about what position you are seeking.  According to Elena Bajic, founder and C.E.O. of Ivy Exec, a recruitment service in New York, if you were a marketing manager, for example, rather than saying you want to work in any marketing capacity, it’s better to be more specific. Employers don’t want to hire someone into a job that’s not a good fit and have them leave as soon as something more appropriate comes along.  Ms. Bajic says employers aren’t looking for just any match, “They are looking for the right one.”

Good luck with your job-hunt and keep the faith!

You can access the original NYT’s article here.

Which statement is more compelling? 

“Responsible for advertising” or

“Reduced advertising expense 20% using customer data analysis while improving sales by 5%.”

Although both statements may have a place on your resume, using specific examples on your resume to provide concrete proof of how you’ve contributed to the success of past employers is critical.  

Your resume is not a laundry list of all the stuff you have done. It needs to show how well you fit with what the hiring company is looking for. Once you are clear about what skills and accomplishments are needed in the position for which you are applying, determine where and how your achievements match up. Highlight the skills and results that best demonstrate your track record of delivering the kinds of things they expect. 

Think about your experience this way:

1. What is this company looking for from this position? What situations/problems or goals have you worked on in the past that are similar?

2. What action did you personally take to improve or ameliorate the issue(s)? 

3. How did your action(s) positively affect the company?  Were there savings, improvements or increased profits?

Once you have a few examples of how your efforts made a difference in the past, pepper your resume with specific achievements that show how you made a difference.   You can also include results from volunteer positions if they demonstrate your ability in ways that match up to this employer’s needs.   Of course you shouldn’t fabricate, but do think about ways you can measure your contributions. Use numbers or descriptive language when you can.

Here are some examples you might consider:

• Corrected an internal problem

• Improved a service or a product

• Improved the appearance or usability of an item

• Increased membership or attendance

• Increased business

• Reduced errors

• Innovated new ways to get information, get things done

• Avoided a problem

• Saved money or time

• Increased awareness of the company, a service or a product

• Created, met or improved standards

• Devised or streamlined a system

• Increased customer satisfaction.

Think about it. A company wants to reduce its hiring risk. If you are a candidate who provides proof of your skills by using concrete, targeted examples (like mini case studies), you can increase the likelihood that you will get noticed - and hired.