Project U. Blog

If I had a dime for every self-deprecating thought that passed through my head in this lifetime, I would be rich beyond my wildest dreams. And my hunch is that many of you would be too.  How many times did I think I was wrong, unlovable, dumb, lacking talent, and just not good enough?

What’s up with that?  Sure we make mistakes and we’re not perfect.  But who is?  In fact, for the most part, we are good, decent people who wish to contribute to each other in meaningful ways.

So why are we so capable at beating ourselves up with negative talk?

Having spent much of my life seeking equanimity, I found this simple truth:

There is nothing “defective” or “flawed” about me  - or you!  

Rather, we are addicted to “stinking thinking!” Over the years, we’ve developed negative thinking patterns that inform our feelings, which in turn, motivate much of our behavior. 

 This is usually how it goes: thoughts lead to feelings, feelings lead to behaviors and behaviors lead to consequences.   Consequences typically reinforce the thoughts that lead to feelings. And the cycle begins again.

We didn’t get here alone.  We’ve had lots of help forming negative thoughts. Parents, family, media, and even teachers were among the many misinformed who helped us to develop ideas like “I’m not good enough” or “I should be different than who I was born to be.”   Of course blaming others doesn’t solve anything, nor does passively awaiting rescue while we lick our wounds.  What does help? Mindful awareness and curiosity.  Can you stop judging yourself and wonder instead, “Why am I thinking this way?  What do I really want?”

In short, the key is awareness and shifting perspective.  Next time you notice a negative thought, can you question its validity and then reframe it?  Generally, if you dig around, you will uncover a positive or protective desire underneath the feelings that lead to your behaviors. Once you know that, you can strategize how to better meet your needs.

 Here are a few examples:

• When you think you didn’t do enough, maybe it’s because you truly have a desire to contribute and want reassurance that you are contributing sufficiently.  How might you get that reassurance in a more productive way, rather than berating yourself? 

• When you decide to react negatively to your partner, are you feeling scared that he or she doesn’t love you or understand you?  Is it possible that you want to protect yourself and that when you said the wrong thing; maybe you just wanted to be heard or seen for who you really are?  Could you have had that discussion in a different way without blaming him or her or yourself?

Translated, can you appreciate and acknowledge the good in you?  Know that it is there.  Most of us are just trying to do our best, as tender, vulnerable human beings.  We are afraid of being hurt, or hurting others, of not being or doing enough, or maybe doing or being too much. Very few of us wake up and think “I want to do a crappy job today”, or “I want to act like a jerk.” 

Can you begin to tease out the positive longings behind your negative feelings and behaviors? Can you name them with honesty and kindness for yourself and others?  And maybe handle situations that arise in a more life affirming and productive way?

I can’t say that you can change this overnight, but just becoming aware of the possibility can start you on a path to joyful change.  There are also lots of resources for healing and personal growth, including mindfulness practices, nonviolent communication, coaching and a host of therapeutic techniques.  As you embark on this process, you can begin to alter neural pathways – and that means that behavior change can become progressively easier.

I wish you much joy, peace, and success!  Here are some resources for you to explore on your journey to self-acceptance and self-realization:

Finding Your Own North Star, by Martha Beck

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

What Happy People Know by Dan Baker  

The Work of Byron Katie

Mediate Your Life

During a recent spin class, my instructor seemed vaguely familiar - but if this was who I thought it was, he appeared transformed.  This instructor’s hair was darker and bushier; he was a bit beefier and a little easier going than I remembered.  As I pondered the resemblance, the instructor shouted, “Dig!  Dig!  - Dig!”  This sealed the deal.  This had to be Doug – how many spin instructors actually use that expression in exactly that tone of voice?

After class, I decided to say hi and confess to Doug that I barely recognized him. He told me that he wasn’t surprised; he had gained quite a bit of weight because he had been very ill with a rare autoimmune disease that attacked his brain.  After a year, he was still undergoing chemotherapy.  He said he was glad to be alive and then added, “Yoga saved my life.”  

 “Say more,” I asked, feeling my “yogi” curiosity kick in.

Apparently, Doug had been practicing yoga several times a week for many years.  One day, he noticed that his balance had been progressively (and inexplicably) getting worse for a while. This alarmed him, so he decided to go to the doctor. 

“I think there’s something wrong with my brain. My balance is off, and I seem to be losing my short term memory,” Doug explained to his highly regarded physician.  Sadly, the doctor dismissed Doug’s concerns and suggested that Doug might have the flu.  “Give it another week,” he told him.

But Doug knew himself better than that.  Years of yoga indicated to him that something was very different and very wrong about how he was moving through space – and he didn’t notice any flu-like symptoms.  So he decided to seek the advice of a second doctor, who also dismissed his reported symptoms as probably something minor.  Finally, another week or so later, a concerned family member made a call to a physician friend who agreed to give Doug an MRI.

Hours later, Doug found himself in intensive care, with several intravenous needles inserted in his arm.  He had an autoimmune disease that had attacked his brain. Large black areas appeared in his brain scan.  Not only was his ability to function at stake, but also his life.  The doctor advised him that he had no time to lose in getting treatment.

Obviously, Doug survived.   After a year of difficult convalescence, including learning to walk again and adjusting to a major hearing loss, Doug is back to work and teaching spin classes.  He credits his self-awareness and his yoga practice with saving his life.

While yoga was the tip off, Doug also had the confidence to trust his self-knowledge and to persist in his beliefs, regardless of what the “experts” told him.  As a result, he is one of just a few hundred survivors of this rare disease.

Doug’s story resonated with me. How many times have I dismissed my inner voice, when I hear it telling me something is wrong? Call it a gut feeling, a hunch, or an instinct, but the implication seems the same. It’s important to pay attention and to honor your hunches.  Check them out. Be mindful of your body.  Notice the specifics of how you feel when you are well.  Notice how it feels when you are tired, or when you eat and drink different foods.  Pay attention to how your chest and stomach feel when you meet someone you like, versus where and how your body feels when you are in a challenging situation.  Notice when long-term patterns change.  These are clues, and clues provide important information.

 Time and time again, I find that our bodies will tell us what our conscious minds cannot discern.  All we need to do is listen (somatically), and learn to interpret and to honor the signals we receive.

Know yourself; know your body.  Trust that knowledge.  It might just save your life.