Project U. Blog

Using Feelings and Needs to Create Success and Happiness

Posted by Catherine Saar on Sat, Jan 26, 2013 @ 09:26 AM

It’s taken me 40 years to figure this out, so listen up!  The secrSaar,Catherineet to happiness and success is to be willing to ask yourself lots of honest questions about how you feel and what you need and then to listen to your answers with curiosity, not judgment (like blaming or beating yourself  - or others, up).  Once you know what you need, you can take responsibility for meeting those needs – and in so doing, you have the opportunity to create more happiness and success in your life.

This takes some practice, and may seem unusual, but consider that we all have feelings and needs as part of our human condition.  Notice that when you have unmet needs, you often experience less comfortable, or more “negative” emotions.  (E.g. I’m cold and I have no access to warm clothing) On the other hand, when our needs do get met, we tend to experience more of what we consider ”positive” emotions.  (E.g. I need more money and I just got a raise.) That means that our feelings can give us important information about what we need to be happier - and once we know that, we can strategize how to best meet them. 

Here’s an example.  Let’s say your boss tends to get very involved in your projects. You might label that behavior as “micromanaging”.  More importantly, you feel frustrated by the way he works with you because your desire for effectiveness feels hampered and you notice you would like more freedom and fluidity in how you get your work done.   You wish the boss would trust you.  At the same time, you like the company and you enjoy the security of a regular paycheck.  You may also be uncomfortable with finding the time to look for a new job.

So you are clear on what you feel and what you want.  How can that information help you to strategize some creative solutions?  Notice you also have a guess at what your boss is feeling and needing.  Hmmm. Your needs and his don’t seem to match. Perhaps your solution set could include meeting some of his needs  - thereby increasing the likelihood of your plan’s acceptance and success.   For example, could you suggest creating an information flow  (like a weekly status report or call) that meets his needs and at the same time also creates increased freedom for you?

On the other hand, what if you and your boss cant work it out?  Sadly, not all of our needs will be met by other people and we can’t control the way others behave.  What you can control is what you do, and now, you get to choose what is best for you.  Is your need for freedom so great that you cannot feel relaxed in your current job, or is your desire for a regular paycheck and your enjoyment of the company more important to you?  Depending on your honest answer, you may decide to leave, or to stay.  If you hate the situation and decide to stay anyway, will it increase your happiness and success?  Ask yourself, is your boss responsible for creating your best life, or are you?

This is just an example of the many ways honest questioning can work to your benefit. As long as you stick to feelings and needs and avoid beating yourself up, this approach can be very empowering, For me, exploring feelings and needs, and understanding the choices I make have led me to greater happiness.  While it isn’t always been easy, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Tags: blaming, curiosity, success, empowering, boss, choices, needs, honest, beating, job, negative emotions, feelings and needs, exploring, micromanaging, judgement, unmet needs, happiness, effectiveness, positive emotions

Use Feelings to Get What You Want

Posted by Catherine Saar on Tue, Mar 20, 2012 @ 04:01 PM

angry iStock 000013039593XSmallFeelings are not facts, but they contain excellent information, so it’s valuable to experience them – even the uncomfortable ones.  You may think you can ignore bad feelings, but that won’t make them go away.  Instead, they typically turn inward or outward, and surface at inappropriate times for unrelated reasons.  So when you start sobbing uncontrollably during a commercial, or you get super angry when the person in front of you at the supermarket isn’t moving fast enough, chances are, your suppressed feelings are making a jailbreak.   

Having been a person who attempted to ignore my negative emotions by being overly busy, exercising and overindulging in food, I finally figured out the key to acknowledging my feelings: I notice them, but I don’t act on them until I know what they are trying to tell me.  Before I react, I ask questions. I get curious.  

Anger is a great example. When I get angry, rather than yelling or blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, I notice it. I breathe into it.  It’s a bit uncomfortable.  Sometimes I feel it in my body as a churning in the stomach.  What am I angry about?  What thought is causing that feeling?   Is it true, or is it a story?  What is the story I am telling myself?  What is it that I really need? Once I can identify what I want, (and usually it’s not punching the other person in the nose or bruising his or her ego), I can calmly express myself to the other person, or find a way to independently fulfill my needs.   Once my feelings are felt and understood, I take appropriate action, life goes on – and I get relief.  Even better, relationships stay intact! 

Fear is another emotion that can stop you in your tracks. Sometimes, that’s a good thing. Fear is meant to protect us. After all, you should be afraid of getting too close to a hungry mountain lion. On the other hand, much of the fear we experience in modern day life is created in our minds.  

Let’s say for example, that you hate your job and you desperately want to quit, but you’re afraid that you won’t get another one.  Is that really true?  How do you know? Your fear indicates that you anticipate a negative outcome. Rather than ignore that thought, can you transform it into positive action? Try breaking your fear down into understandable pieces and turning it into to-do steps that lead you to your heart’s desire.  In the example above, you might make a list that includes doing research, networking, getting training, saving money so you can quit, and updating your resume. 

In short, get curious about your feelings. Don’t just stuff them and don’t feel compelled to react to them right away.  Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but it won’t kill you.  Feelings give you the opportunity to understand what you need and to examine what you’re thinking.  It’s worth it.  The first step to getting what you want, is knowing what that is.  Feelings, especially the hard ones, can be your guide.

Tags: supressed feelings, guide, resume, fear, overindulging, networking, quit, anger, job, relationships, negative emotions, angry, protect, getting what you want