Project U. Blog

I was recently sharing a story about three successive relationship changes I’d experienced when my friend observed that in fact, it seemed that each time I engaged, I learned more about what it is that I really want. I was instantly reminded of the wisdom of Goldilocks and how much I enjoy the first part of her story. 

If you recall, in the opening sequences, Goldilocks figures out how she is feeling (hungry and tired) and looks to meet her needs.  To do so, she goes exploring and finds an empty house that offers various options.  She tries a little of each option, only to discover that there is one solution that works better for her than the others. Specifically, while one of the porridges is too hot, the other, too cold - there is one that is just right.

Isn’t that true about life?  We don’t always know exactly what will meet our needs, so we may need to try a few different things to figure out what is just right for us.  I love that idea.  First we have to see how we feel, decide what that tells us about what we want and then we begin to research how we might fulfill our desires to create a life we love. 

Instead of considering the things we try (and decide not to stick with) as wasted time, perhaps we can see them as critical steps along a path that informs us about our “right” path.  Maybe that is why many second marriages or second careers can be more fulfilling than the first.  It takes time to know who we are and what we want.  Not only that, but our feelings and needs may also change over time.  That requires us to engage in exploration many times over our lifetime in a variety of ways in order to determine where we want to go next.  In short, experimenting and starting over, is a proven method for informed, creative life-long problem solving.

The places that the Goldilocks’ story breaks down for me, is the second half AND where she invades someone else’s belongings to get what she needs.  There are endless opportunities for self-discovery that don’t involve coveting or destroying that which supports others. 

So while the tale of Goldilocks’ wanderings offers some great insights, it could use a rewrite.

Why ruin the beautiful lesson about the value of exploration by intimating that our personal journey must disturb or even destroy someone else’s environment?  When we explore, we don’t necessarily break other people things or use up all of their resources. In fact, many of our explorations benefit others and help them along their path of discovery.  Rather than focusing our inner stories on punishment and shame because we might mess up someone else’s stuff, let’s focus on the benefits of searching for what fits us best.

One of the privileges of growing up is that we get to author our own stories.  So, let’s figure out how to explore in ways that add to the lives of others.  Believing that trying things out will result in punishment is simply a children’s story; one that is desperately in need of a rewrite.

Face it. Sometimes things go wrong, even if you are a conscientious, competent leader.  A blog post by Art Petty on how leaders can benefit from their mistakes resonated with me so much that I decided to share it with you, especially since many of my bosses over the years counseled me not to ever apologize or explain, as doing so shows weakness.

That did not appear to be good advice. What I found instead was that when I quickly owned up to an issue, shared what happened and how to fix it, my associates were appreciative and understanding.  This practice actually built trust, strengthened my working relationships and encouraged openness. By modeling that mistakes are not the end of the world, it allowed others the freedom to address issues openly when they arose. Petty’s post captures this notion beautifully when he writes, “don’t dwell on or attempt to hide your mistakes.  Instead, confront them head-on, help everyone learn from them, and move on.” 

According to Petty, not only should you clearly admit that you made a mistake, in addition, don’t make up an excuse.  He also states that you shouldn’t blame anyone else on your team when an error happens on your watch: “Take your medicine and use your team member’s mistake as a developmental opportunity.”

Here are the two additional recommendations from the post that I support wholeheartedly: 

“Share where you went wrong. If your gaffe was an interpersonal one, admit to the other party that you recognize what you did wrong. For example, “I shouldn’t have jumped to a conclusion before I heard all of the facts.”  If the mistake related to a decision, assess where you might have gone wrong and share the mistake. “I framed this problem wrong. I let emotions get in the way of a clear view to the situation, and I made a rash decision.”  This is powerful credibility building juice and a teaching moment for everyone involved.”

And:

“Apologize. The fine art of the workplace apology is often ignored in the workplace. Instead of a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of character and strength.”

I love that.  As I mentioned, I didn’t often hear this perspective articulated in the business world, and I surely appreciate hearing it now. Thanks Art!

Feelings are not facts, but they contain excellent information, so it’s valuable to experience them – even the uncomfortable ones.  You may think you can ignore bad feelings, but that won’t make them go away.  Instead, they typically turn inward or outward, and surface at inappropriate times for unrelated reasons.  So when you start sobbing uncontrollably during a commercial, or you get super angry when the person in front of you at the supermarket isn’t moving fast enough, chances are, your suppressed feelings are making a jailbreak.   

Having been a person who attempted to ignore my negative emotions by being overly busy, exercising and overindulging in food, I finally figured out the key to acknowledging my feelings: I notice them, but I don’t act on them until I know what they are trying to tell me.  Before I react, I ask questions. I get curious.  

Anger is a great example. When I get angry, rather than yelling or blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, I notice it. I breathe into it.  It’s a bit uncomfortable.  Sometimes I feel it in my body as a churning in the stomach.  What am I angry about?  What thought is causing that feeling?   Is it true, or is it a story?  What is the story I am telling myself?  What is it that I really need? Once I can identify what I want, (and usually it’s not punching the other person in the nose or bruising his or her ego), I can calmly express myself to the other person, or find a way to independently fulfill my needs.   Once my feelings are felt and understood, I take appropriate action, life goes on – and I get relief.  Even better, relationships stay intact! 

Fear is another emotion that can stop you in your tracks. Sometimes, that’s a good thing. Fear is meant to protect us. After all, you should be afraid of getting too close to a hungry mountain lion. On the other hand, much of the fear we experience in modern day life is created in our minds.  

Let’s say for example, that you hate your job and you desperately want to quit, but you’re afraid that you won’t get another one.  Is that really true?  How do you know? Your fear indicates that you anticipate a negative outcome. Rather than ignore that thought, can you transform it into positive action? Try breaking your fear down into understandable pieces and turning it into to-do steps that lead you to your heart’s desire.  In the example above, you might make a list that includes doing research, networking, getting training, saving money so you can quit, and updating your resume. 

In short, get curious about your feelings. Don’t just stuff them and don’t feel compelled to react to them right away.  Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but it won’t kill you.  Feelings give you the opportunity to understand what you need and to examine what you’re thinking.  It’s worth it.  The first step to getting what you want, is knowing what that is.  Feelings, especially the hard ones, can be your guide.