This week, as I mourned the horrendous loss of life in the Connecticut school shooting along with the rest of the country, I asked myself this question many times, “How do you stop a crazed gunman?” Sadly, the answer seems to be, you probably can’t.  By the time he is holding the gun, the time to stop him or her, has passed.  But that answer doesn’t satisfy my heart and so I continue to seek a response, a course of action so that I may begin to heal my grief with hope.

I believe that while we may not be able to stop a crazed gunman, we may be able to help the child that might otherwise become that gunman.  Inside all of us is a child, a child who may have been bullied, who may have had problems, been traumatized, or who may have been overlooked and passed over and passed along in our system.

Somehow, we have got to take better care of our children, and perhaps that starts by taking better care of ourselves.  Perhaps we need to take an extra moment out of our day to be kinder to ourselves, and then to others.  Perhaps we should stop and help, even when it would be much easier on us and on our hectic schedules to keep on going.

Perhaps I can take a moment to notice and acknowledge the challenges facing another human being.  I can smile.  I can say please and thank you.  I can greet another person with kindness and acknowledge our shared humanity, whether it is a homeless person, the cleaner at the gym or the assistant at my office.   I can take time to call and check on an elderly friend and lend an empathetic ear.

I think I’m a decent person, and yet, I know I can be better.  I can find ways to voice my opposition to injustice I can open my heart not just to my family, but also to the family of man.  I can stop asking, “What’s wrong with this world? And start asking, “What’s right with this world, and how can I be a part of it? “

I can question myself when I feel jealousy, resentment, fear or hatred.  I can get help to understand those feelings, and in turn, help others, especially our children, to understand their feelings – and to cope with them. I can find ways to heal myself, through prayer, yoga, meditation, nonviolent communication and community.  I can reach out.  I may not be able to save the world, but I can be more loving every day, to myself and to others.

I owe it to those innocent children in Connecticut to not just wonder how such horror can occur, but also to wonder what might we do collectively, and individually to change the things in our world that don’t support  the mentally ill, and the children who are suffering from trauma and other kinds of wounds.  Maybe that includes better gun control, maybe that includes locking down our schools, but I also believe it means helping people to love themselves – and each other more. How can we support each other so that we can be well in body, mind and spirit?  How do we work toward loving inclusion, embrace and assist those who are less fortunate or different from ourselves?

How do I become an instrument of good works and positive change?

We may not have all the answers, but I believe that if we keep asking the right questions and seek to live with love, respect, kindness and make wellness a priority over video games as babysitters, more possessions, climbing the corporate ladder and a million other distractions that keep us from putting our children and our souls first, then we can and will change the world.   It is my only hope.

This post originally appeared in my "personal blog" www.7layerliving.com on Monday, December  17, 2012.

Is your holiday to-do list growing out of proportion?  In addition to everything else you normally do, you’ve probably strapped on parties, family gatherings, gift and card giving and some travel.  Who has time for all of that? It sounds exhausting!

Here’s an easy tool to help you get through it all while remaining master of your universe.

Simply apply the three B’s to your to-do list.  What are they? 

Better, Barter or Bag It!

Here’s how it works:

Better it:  You have an obligation that you are not looking forward to.  How might you make it better?  For example, if you’re going to visit the family members that you love, but who drive you crazy, can you limit the length of time you spend with them?  Could  you stay at a hotel or a friend’s house rather than sleeping over? Hate air travel?  Perhaps you can indulge yourself with a fabulous book, movie, or some other entertainment that turns your time into a mini-vacation. What about making that party a potluck instead of doing it all yourself?  Brainstorm! There are countless solutions and improvements you can find to make things better.

Barter it:  If there are items on your to-do list that you are not good at, or that you don’t enjoy doing, can you trade with someone else?  Perhaps you can pay someone to do the dreaded task (the teenager down the block can help hang the outdoor lights) or maybe you can swap with a friend or family member: “I’ll wrap your presents if you put the lights on the tree.” 

Bag it: If all else fails and you’re running out of steam, ask yourself, can you eliminate some items altogether?  Maybe your holiday cards become New Years cards that get written and mailed on January 1.  Or perhaps, you don’t need to host a 12-course meal for 50 people. 

The key to all of this is to keep doing the things you love and toss out or reinvent the things that you don’t – especially if they don’t matter as much – or at all.    It may feel a little odd at first.  You may even disappoint or bewilder a few people in your life when you start to balance self-care with doing it all. But just imagine, if you can de-stress and enjoy your holidays a little more, how worthwhile that could be. 

My guess is that your friends and family will enjoy you more too if you are more relaxed.  After all, it’s not what you do, but who you show up as - that matters most.

Happy Holidays!

Thanksgiving is a great excuse to remember the value of gratitude.  One of my favorite articles on gratitude was published in the New York Times in 2011. Author John Tierney provides gratitude tips and benefits that I feel are worthy of reprise. Here’s an edited excerpt for your reading pleasure, and a link to the original article in case you want more:

Cultivating an “attitude of gratitude” has been linked to better health, sounder sleep, less anxiety and depression, higher long-term satisfaction with life and kinder behavior toward others, including romantic partners.  

However, if you’re not the grateful sort, here’s a guide to getting into the holiday spirit based on the work of several psychologists who have made gratitude a hot research topic:

Start with “gratitude lite.” Robert A. Emmons, of the University of California, Davis, named this technique used in his pioneering experiments “gratitude lite”. He and his fellow researcher, Dr. Michael McCullough instructed people to keep a journal listing five things for which they felt grateful, like a friend’s generosity, something they’d learned, a sunset they’d enjoyed.

The gratitude journal was brief — just one sentence for each of the five things — and done only once a week, but after two months there were significant effects. Compared with a control group, the people keeping the gratitude journal were more optimistic and felt happier. They reported fewer physical problems and spent more time working out.

Further benefits were observed in a study of polio survivors and other people with neuromuscular problems. The ones who kept a gratitude journal reported feeling happier and more optimistic than those in a control group, and these reports were corroborated by observations from their spouses. These grateful people also fell asleep more quickly at night, slept longer and woke up feeling more refreshed.

“If you want to sleep more soundly, count blessings, not sheep,” Dr. Emmons advises in “Thanks!” his book on gratitude research.

Don’t confuse gratitude with indebtedness. Sure, you may feel obliged to return a favor, but that’s not gratitude, at least not the way psychologists define it. Indebtedness is more of a negative feeling and doesn’t yield the same benefits as gratitude, which inclines you to be nice to anyone, not just a benefactor.

In an experiment at Northeastern University, Monica Bartlett and David DeSteno sabotaged each participant’s computer and arranged for another student to fix it. Afterward, the students who had been helped were likelier to volunteer to help someone else — a complete stranger — with an unrelated task. Gratitude promoted good karma.

Try it on your family. No matter how dysfunctional your family, gratitude can still work, says Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California, Riverside.

“Do one small and unobtrusive thoughtful or generous thing for each member of your family on Thanksgiving,” she advises. “Say thank you for every thoughtful or kind gesture. Express your admiration for someone’s skills or talents — wielding that kitchen knife so masterfully, for example. And truly listen, even when your grandfather is boring you again with the same World War II story.”

Don’t counterattack. If you’re bracing for insults on Thanksgiving Day, consider a recent experiment at the University of Kentucky. After turning in a piece of writing, some students received praise for it while others got a scathing evaluation: “This is one of the worst essays I’ve ever read!”

Then each student played a computer game against the person who’d done the evaluation. The winner of the game could administer a blast of white noise to the loser. Not surprisingly, the insulted essayists retaliated against their critics by subjecting them to especially loud blasts — much louder than the noise administered by the students who’d gotten positive evaluations.

But there was an exception to this trend among a subgroup of the students: the ones who had been instructed to write essays about things for which they were grateful. After that exercise in counting their blessings, they weren’t bothered by the nasty criticism — or at least they didn’t feel compelled to amp up the noise against their critics.

“Gratitude is more than just feeling good,” says Nathan DeWall, who led the study at Kentucky.  “It helps people become less aggressive by enhancing their empathy. “It’s an equal-opportunity emotion. Anyone can experience it and benefit from it, even the most crotchety uncle at the Thanksgiving dinner table.”

Share the feeling. Why does gratitude do so much good? “More than other emotion, gratitude is the emotion of friendship,” Dr. McCullough says. “It is part of a psychological system that causes people to raise their estimates of how much value they hold in the eyes of another person. Gratitude is what happens when someone does something that causes you to realize that you matter more to that person than you thought you did.”

Try a gratitude visit. This exercise, recommended by Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania, begins with writing a 300-word letter to someone who changed your life for the better. Be specific about what the person did and how it affected you. Deliver it in person, preferably without telling the person in advance what the visit is about. When you get there, read the whole thing slowly to your benefactor. “You will be happier and less depressed one month from now,” Dr. Seligman guarantees in his book “Flourish.”

Click here to link to the rest of the article.  Thanks for reading.  I am so grateful to be able to share this article (Thanks J. Tierney!) on gratitude in this blog, and wish you all a wonderful holiday season.

Note: A version of this article appeared in print on November 22, 2011, on page D1 of the New York edition with the headline: A Serving of Gratitude May Save the Day.

As a coach, I often hear, “I want to find my passion.” While some of us clearly know what we are called to do, others of us don’t.  If you are a passion seeker, here’s a clue: Drop the struggle.  Anxiety about passion won’t help you discover it faster.  For most of us, passion does not arrive as an instantaneous inspiration, but rather, it emerges as we learn who we are. 

So instead of obsessing about finding your passion, can you get passionate about exploration?  What’s happening for you now?   If your job is boring, how might you change it?  If you are burnt-out, how might you take better care of yourself?  Figure out what is stopping you.    Know it, taste it, improve it, if needed.  Try new things; be surprised by what you enjoy.  Is it possible to stop focusing on how you want things to be, and start accepting, (or even being in love with) what you are doing right now?   

For me, it’s been like putting together a jigsaw puzzle where I’ve gathered up the pieces over the course of a 35-year treasure hunt.  While part of me wishes I could have known my path sooner, it would not have been possible.  It’s only recently that I’ve gathered up enough puzzle pieces (skills and awareness) to identify the picture that has emerged.

Here are some interesting questions to help you start to consider your life’s path. How many of these can you answer?

• What do you love?

• What are your skills and gifts?

• What do you care about deeply? What moves you to tears? What issues get you angry, absorb you or bring you joy?

• What would you do for work even if you weren’t paid to do it?

• What is essential to your happiness?

• What do you really need?

• How would you describe your essential self?  Are you a problem solver, a poet, an adventurer, a maker, a storyteller, a teacher, a peacemaker, a hermit?  (Tip: Observe your patterns of behavior to get to the answer to this – rather than trying to label yourself with what you would like your essential self to be!)

Your answers to these questions are a clue to your level of self-awareness. For any that you can’t answer, get curious. Can you take a class, try a workshop, enter a contest – or work as a volunteer?  Remember that if something you try doesn’t bring you joy, (or doesn’t fit well with your skills and gifts), you can move on.

Pay attention if any of these questions awaken your inner critic. What conflicts hold you back from doing what you love?  One common issue is money. For example, if you want to be an artist, and you believe you need to earn a six-figure income to keep you afloat, ask yourself, is that absolutely true?  If you are willing to look at what you really need and want, you may find that there are a million possible creative solutions to your dilemma. Could you pursue art as a secondary money making venture?  Can you change your living situation and/or your budget so you can feed your passion until you can earn those six figures? You get the idea. Getting clear on needs and desires allows you to create many choices that can lead you to your right path.

You may also need to get clear on limiting beliefs.  Perhaps you think that following your passion is selfish and that being selfish is bad.  Is that really true?  Explore the assumptions and self-judgments that stop you from realizing your full potential and joy. If this is new to you, check out some of the many available resources, including coaching programs and books like “Loving What Is”, by Byron Katie and “I Could Do Anything if I Only Knew What  It Was” by Barbara Sher.

In short, getting on a path, any path, will take you somewhere.  And somewhere is better than being stuck sitting around lamenting that you don’t know what you want.  Don’t wait for the perfect answer to find you.  Instead, follow your light, follow your bliss.  If an idea sparkles for you, give it a go.  Have faith.  Your life will take care of itself.

I watched the presidential debate last night.  We can argue about who got what right, and the fact checkers can weigh in, but in the end, my hunch is that most of us read the energy of the candidates more than we analyzed every word they said.

If you were able to watch or listen, ask yourself, which candidate seemed energized?  Which candidate was not? How did that make you feel about each of them?  Did it make you trust one more than the other?

I sensed that Obama was tired, while Romney was energized.  Remember this when you are interviewing, in a relationship, or making a presentation.  The facts are important, but in the wise words of Maya Angelou, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

My key takeaway? It’s important to learn how to work with your energy.  One of the key pieces to clear energy is being in your truth, otherwise you can get very stuck!  What is authentic for you?  When you align with who you are and what you need, your energy can shine through you.  Although the path can be challenging, it’s worth the trip. 

I’ve decided that the old nursery rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” is dead wrong.  Words have power.  They affect us to our core.  Consider the power of “I’m sorry,” and “I love you,” or “You’re a screw-up.” Think about the power of a parent who says to the child, “I believe in you.” Also, consider the impact on the child who never hears those words from a caring adult. 

As children, our world is greatly influenced by the words of parents, siblings, friends and teachers. Their words become the fabric of our self-definition.  If momma said you were stupid and clumsy, why would you believe anything different? If teacher said you were lazy or irresponsible, why wouldn’t you take his word for it?

As adults, we have the opportunity to rediscover and reclaim who we are. As shocking as it is, maybe mom and dad were inaccurate about how they characterized us. An important part of reclaiming our true selves is to become aware of the words we use to describe ourselves to ourselves.  Although we cannot always choose the words that others say to us, we can choose the words we use. Ask yourself, are you choosing your words, or are you in default mode? 

Start by noticing if you are compassionate with yourself, or if instead you have a habit of using old labels that no longer serve you.  Do you describe yourself as “fragile”, “weak”, or “not very good at x?”   Why?   Perhaps there are more positive ways to understand yourself. Maybe “fragility” (for example,) is a label that is less descriptive, and less accurate than a word like “empathic” to describe your behavior. By reframing your self-description, you suddenly create access to your unique character and can put it to work as an asset rather than claim it as a liability.  Another example: perhaps “weak” is a self-berating label that poorly describes the fact that you are considerate of other’s needs - and that you don’t always need to have your own way.  In fact, rather than seeing yourself as a lousy negotiator, you may find you are a natural facilitator and collaborator!

My experience is that shaming, blaming or labeling oneself (and others) is not helpful, nor is it motivational.  Beating myself up and/or blaming others doesn’t translate into a more beneficial outcome. Instead of inspiring action, it keeps me stuck in a prison of self-loathing and low self-esteem.  On the other hand, when I replace judgment with compassion and curiosity (acting a bit like a scientist) I can more easily leverage my natural abilities.  This approach helps me to accept and appreciate myself, and then to decide if there is anything that I want to change.  For example, I might think, “Gee, I really overreacted.  What caused me to act or to feel that way? What does that tell me?  Is there an action I can take, or a thought I can reframe to improve the situation?  What will feel better? How do I get there?”

In short, if you feel stuck and want to lead a more joyful life, start by being kind with the words you say to yourself.  Can you identify and discard the vestiges of childhood labels?  Try talking to yourself as if you were speaking to a good friend.  Show compassion.  Look for what is good.

I leave you with this quote from freethechildren.org:

“Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions. Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits. Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character. Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.”

Face it. Sometimes things go wrong, even if you are a conscientious, competent leader.  A blog post by Art Petty on how leaders can benefit from their mistakes resonated with me so much that I decided to share it with you, especially since many of my bosses over the years counseled me not to ever apologize or explain, as doing so shows weakness.

That did not appear to be good advice. What I found instead was that when I quickly owned up to an issue, shared what happened and how to fix it, my associates were appreciative and understanding.  This practice actually built trust, strengthened my working relationships and encouraged openness. By modeling that mistakes are not the end of the world, it allowed others the freedom to address issues openly when they arose. Petty’s post captures this notion beautifully when he writes, “don’t dwell on or attempt to hide your mistakes.  Instead, confront them head-on, help everyone learn from them, and move on.” 

According to Petty, not only should you clearly admit that you made a mistake, in addition, don’t make up an excuse.  He also states that you shouldn’t blame anyone else on your team when an error happens on your watch: “Take your medicine and use your team member’s mistake as a developmental opportunity.”

Here are the two additional recommendations from the post that I support wholeheartedly: 

“Share where you went wrong. If your gaffe was an interpersonal one, admit to the other party that you recognize what you did wrong. For example, “I shouldn’t have jumped to a conclusion before I heard all of the facts.”  If the mistake related to a decision, assess where you might have gone wrong and share the mistake. “I framed this problem wrong. I let emotions get in the way of a clear view to the situation, and I made a rash decision.”  This is powerful credibility building juice and a teaching moment for everyone involved.”

And:

“Apologize. The fine art of the workplace apology is often ignored in the workplace. Instead of a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of character and strength.”

I love that.  As I mentioned, I didn’t often hear this perspective articulated in the business world, and I surely appreciate hearing it now. Thanks Art!

When one looks closely, the process of transformation does not appear to be fun. How often do we wax poetic about transformation, using the caterpillar to butterfly metaphor and forget to mention that the caterpillar retreats into its cocoon to digest itself from the inside out (temporarily becoming  a soupy mush and letting its body die) before it emerges a gorgeous winged creature?  And what about those scenes from movies like The Incredible Hulk where we watch attractive leading men  (most recently Mark Ruffalo and Edward Norton) groan in agony as their bodies painfully mutate into giant, gruesome, green  monsters?

My recent experience is another case in point.  Rearranging my 20+-year relationship while dismantling a residence and establishing a new home, has caused my brain to be baffled by simple tasks, like finding where I put the scissors.  All of my neural pathways seem to be challenged and working overtime to cope with the immediate and unfamiliar needs of my surroundings.

In short, while the outcome of transformation can be amazing, getting there is not without its difficulties.  When we change, we leave behind  familiar and comfortable habits that we have practiced and perfected for years!  Even when those behaviors are dysfunctional paths to no place special, (e.g. smoking, co-dependency, workaholism etc.) on some level, they had helped us to define ourselves – and we feel a little lost without them.

When you experience a transformation that causes you to not only change your situation, (like moving), but also to question your self-definition (like retiring or becoming an empty nester) you’ve got a bit of a mountain to climb.  It’s do-able, and you’ll probably love the view at the top, but let’s face it, it is going to take some work to get there.  If possible, I suggest you prepare for the journey - with food and water for sustenance, maybe a companion, a compass or GPS and some emergency medical supplies.

Changing roles can push you into a chaotic chasm of redefinition.  It may feel dark and difficult, but it won’t last forever.  Some days, you may want to follow the wisdom of the caterpillar and crawl into your cocoon for a melt down in order to manage the experience.  Or, you may just surrender to the process of becoming the Incredible Hulk and tackle your discomfort as flesh and bone break (metaphorically speaking) while you grow and stretch into the powerful being that it is your destiny to become. 

Now the good news:  the renewed self can provide exciting adventures as well as peace.  Whether we follow the path of butterfly or beast, in time, we adjust to our revised reality and feel more comfortable in our new skin.  With this, we gain perspective, possibility, and new ways to relate in the world. 

Today, and always, I wish you transformation that brings joy, strength and meaning.  It may not be an easy journey, but  try to embrace it, and don’t forget to pack a lunch.  

Feeling anxious?  One of my favorite authors, Seth Godin wrote this in a blog post:

“Perhaps your anxiety is specific to artists or musicians or to anyone who has to stand up and stand out and stand for something.

It turns out that your anxiety isn't specific at all. Perhaps it is due to the fact that you're trying to control things that you can't possibly control.

Your anxiety might merely be a sign that you care deeply about your work.

Anxiety is almost never a useful emotion to carry around. Even for magicians.

Now that you've been reminded that you care, it pays to let the anxiety go. Good riddance.”

I agree with Godin: anxiety is not useful and it’s good to let it go – but how?  How do you do it?  Three steps that work for me are mindful breathing, gathering information and taking action.  Here’s more:

BREATHE DEEPLY.   Number one, take a deep breath.  Literally.  Breathing deeply is an almost instant pathway to calm.  Simply stop what you are doing and breathe in and out through your nose for 30 seconds to a minute.  Make the length of your inhales equal to the length of your exhales and try to make each one last at least four seconds.

GATHER INFORMATION. Next, take stock of the source of your anxiety.   Get clear about what is troubling you.  Ask yourself to explore the thoughts behind the feeling.  You may need professional help to do that – a coach, a therapist, or perhaps not.  Sometimes a wise, trustworthy friend, a session of journaling, or a favorite inspirational book will do the trick.

TAKE ACTION. Once you understand specifically what’s troubling you, what can you do about it?  You may just need a new perspective.  As Godin mentions, are there things that you have no control over, like how people react or think about you that you can accept? Are you able to make your best effort and leave the results to providence? 

On the other hand, if the source of your anxiety is overwhelm or lack of information - it’s usually helpful to take even one small step to overcome it.  Make a phone call, develop a plan, write in a journal or just decide its okay not to decide about something troubling you.

In short, decide to make a small step, whatever it is (as long as it’s not unhealthy) that will let a little pressure out of the overfilled anxiety balloon in your belly.  

Now, take another set of long inhales and exhales… and sit quietly for a few moments. Start to let your anxiety go – and to quote Godin, “Good riddance.”